4. FIND THE BEST THINGS TO DO

What are you talking about? After all that, now you have to worry about entertaining yourself? Who's running this crazy operation, anyway?

We can't name everything you could possibly do down there. (Do you want us to hold your hand on the flight over?) Still, because we're so nice, we're going to name a few places in Australia that you should consider.

Sydney
Great Barrier Reef and Queensland
Inland and Outback

Sydney

Most likely, your trip will be starting in Sydney (since it houses the country's largest international airport). Once in Sydney, the hub of all local public transit is Circular Quay. Don't worry, we're not suggesting that you watch buses go by all day. Circular Quay is a very touristy place with lots of festivals and shops. Locals are very proud of the Circular Quay's history (it's where Governor Arthur Phillip first landed) and the architecture (committees argue for hours about how buildings "communicate"), so show a little respect and start there. You'll find it an excellent jumping off point.

A short walk north of Circular Quay is one of Sydney's most famous sites, The Sydney Opera House. Completed in 1973 at almost $70 million over budget (ouch!), it's a building with as great architectural significance as The Eiffel Tower or the Taj Mahal. Designed to look like a sailing ship, it boasts five major performance spaces as well as the best acoustics of any similarly sized man-made building in the world. And yes, it has more than opera, you boorish philistine. You can catch symphonies, plays, chamber music, dance and on occasion, contemporary music. You can take a tour of the museum or check out some of the performances. It is the primary landmark of Australia, and regardless of how touristy it seems, you must visit it because your relatives will expect to see the great photos you took. While you're over there, pop down to Government House, a beautiful and historical building just south of the Opera House.

Just east of Circular Quay is The Rocks. Named for the sandstone the convicts used to build it, The Rocks is a small collection of streets that originally were slums but now offer a shopper's paradise (whoo-hoo for gentrification!). Most of the original structures have been demolished, first to avoid disease around the 1900s, and later to make room for Harbor Bridge, but there are still lots of historic buildings. Feel free to wander around this area on your own, or ask for help at The Rocks Visitor Center.

Speaking of Harbor Bridge, unless you forget to look while in Sydney, you'll see what locals affectionately call "The Coat Hanger." Harbor Bridge is an expansive bridge that accommodates pedestrian walkways, as well as two railway lines and an eight-lane road. The walk across will take about 30 minutes (depending on how heartily you pigged out at Circular Quay) and will offer you some of the best views in Sydney.

Wow, that should keep you busy for at least a day or two. If you don't have much time in Australia, or don't want to stray too far out of Sydney, you can check out Featherdale Wildlife Park. If you only get one chance to see Australian wildlife, this is it. Although small, it houses Australia's largest private collection of native animals and most importantly, the animals are treated very well.

If you are still looking for fun places to visit in Sydney, you can check out other cool things like:

After all the walking you've done, you might want to take some time to relax. Well, we hope you packed your Speedos because Sydney lies near some of the world's best beach space. Who knows? Maybe you'll spot the next Mel Gibson or Nicole Kidman while frolicking about in the skimpy swimsuits Australians are known for. Now that we've got you all hot and bothered, here are some good beaches:

  • Bondi: The most famous beach, it can be described as "another California" (though you won't have to worry about all those Baywatch extras getting in your way). Located 15 minutes west of downtown Sydney, it's a city beach, which means that it isn't as pristine as other beaches, but this is more than made up for by its socialization possibilities. Bondi is a bubbling, vibing, happening place where you can meet hundreds of people from all over the planet. You can also get your first taste of beach activities by renting surfboards, boogie boards or snorkeling gear. Check out Bondi's homepage for more information. (P.S. It's pronounced "Bond-eye," so don't embarrass yourself).

  • Northern Beaches: If you just can't put up with one more backpacker and want to experience Australian beaches in their more natural state, hop onto the ferry at Circular Quay and head over to Sydney's northern beaches. They are still tourist-friendly, but far cleaner and far less crowded. Look for such names as Manly Beach, Palm Beach, Whale Beach or Avalon (THIS is where the pilot for Baywatch Down Under was shot… and killed).

If you've already fulfilled all of your Baywatch dreams and are looking for some non-salt-water activities, check out Blue Mountains. It houses three national parks: Blue Mountains National Park, Kanangra-Boyd National Park, and Wollemi National Park. This area also offers the opportunity to rock climb, rappel (only Australians call it "abseil"), or canyon raft. The most common activity, and certainly the least macho, is to follow one of the parks many hiking trails (Australians call it "bushwalking").

Great Barrier Reef and Queensland

If you can fit all the above into a week's vacation, congratulations! You are Super-Traveler. If you are planning to stay more than a week, you should certainly head up the coast and see the Great Barrier Reef. Visible from outer space, this 2000+ meter long reef is one of the most diverse ecosystems on the planet. You can witness this colorful congregation of thousands of year's worth of coral polyps as well as fish and other marine life in many ways, be it through scuba diving, snorkeling, glass-bottomed boat or even just walking on the reef in low tide. Cairns is probably the best place for a neophyte to start out, though other mainland towns on the reef are Townsville Online and MacKay. You can also visit one of the islands along the reef, such as the WhitSunday Islands, Hamilton Island or Magnetic Islands.

The above websites will give you specific information on how to see the reef, but remember about any water activity, don't go alone! Most dive rental companies insist on seeing that you are PADI or otherwise certified before renting you gear, but there are introductory or resort dives where you need no certification and will be accompanied by a trained guide. These guides will tell you the basic rules of being underwater: namely, don't touch it if you don't recognize it, put everything back where you've found it and don't wreck the reef. Don't be one of those jerks who thinks a little bit of 2000 year old coral will bring out the drapes in his living room back home. Much like Gizmo, coral dies when out of water and in direct sunlight, so you will be left with a bit of grubby white non-descript rock and huge pangs of guilt. For a complete guide to scuba diving (in Australia or anywhere else where there's lots of water), check out "SoYouWanna be a scuba diver?"

Inland and Outback

The above suggestions will get you through two weeks in Australia, with no problem at all; these are certainly the excellent places to visit your first time in Oz. Still, while most people live on the coast, most of the country is taken up by a huge sandy mass known as the Outback. It's pretty barren in most parts, but there are also many beautiful national parks.

One of the more noteworthy sites inland is the famous Ayer's Rock, the largest single rock in the world. Known for its unique orange color, it turns a fiery red at sunrise and sunset, causing tourists from all over the planet to come and furiously click their cameras. The Anangu (the native people of the area) attach spiritual importance to the path up Ayer's Rock and ask that tourists not make the climb. Still, you'll see hundreds of people stumbling up it every day. You can decide what kind of respect you want to show.

Flinders Ranges National Park is a protected area where you can experience the ruggedness of the Outback under the tutelage of people who actually know what they're doing. Here are a bunch of things you can do there:

  • Take a hike, with or without a guide
  • Take a Four Wheel Drive tour, with or without a guide
  • Take a scenic flight between the mountains
  • Take the world famous Ridge Top Tour, where you can see awe-inspiring views of rugged mountain tops
  • Take a Valium and fly back home (though we don't recommend this option)