3. COOK THE MEAL

We don't expect you to be a Ms. Stewart wannabe (thank God). No fancy dishes here. Assuming you have the basics of flatware and cutlery (you do have dishes, don't you?), the only other tools you'll need are:

  • large frying pan
  • large saucepan
  • large salad bowl and tongs
  • large serving plate
  • wooden mixing spoons
  • measuring cups
  • measuring spoons
  • two small serving bowls
  • microwave
  • a boyfriend or girlfriend (or both)

The appetizer does require some sort of blending machine (e.g. Cuisinart, Braun Handblender), so if you don't have that, you might want to buy some pre-made dip.

Now on to our menu:

Beverages Wine, Champagne, or Sparkling Fruit Drinks Appetizer Roasted Red Pepper Dip on Fancy Crackers Salad Spinach Salad with Toasted Sesame Seeds Entrée Fennel Fusilli with Shrimp and Pine Nuts Dessert Fruit with Chocolate Fondue

It's time to get cooking!

Beverages
Appetizer
Salad
Entrée
Dessert

Beverages

Surely you have your favorite wine or champagne. Go nuts! Better yet, visit SoYouWanna learn the basics about wine, SoYouWanna fake being a wine expert, and SoYouWanna choose a champagne. Consider alternating your alcoholic drinks with non-alcoholic ones (such as sparkling fruit drinks.) Remember: a falling down drunk lover is not necessarily the best lover.

Appetizer

This can be made the day before to save you time on the actual day

Ingredients:

  • 1 large red pepper, minced
  • 1/2 clove garlic, peeled and crushed
  • 2 tablespoons olive oil
  • 1/2 cup ricotta cheese (or 1/2 lb. soft tofu)
  • Pepper to taste
  • Fancy crackers (We don't know what they sell where you live! Surely you've seen something cool at the grocery store. Splurge!)

Now here's how to get cooking:

  1. In a large frying pan, heat the olive oil on HIGH

  2. When oil is hot, turn the heat down to Low/Medium and drop in the garlic. Stir the garlic with a wooden spoon so it does not burn.

  3. After about a minute, add the red pepper. By this point, the oil should not be so hot that it requires your constant attention.

  4. Turn your attention to pureeing the ricotta cheese or soft tofu with your blender. (Suggestion: the cheese will add more fat to your meal than tofu, which would not help you with later amorous plans. If you can't stand the thought of a full-on hippie dip, you could always combine equal amounts of cheese and tofu to spare yourself the gag-inducing experience of unadulterated soy).

  5. Combine the contents of your frying pan with your pureed cheese or tofu.

  6. Mix in a food processor or with a hand blender until smooth. Add pepper to taste.

  7. Store covered in the fridge until your intended has arrived. Serve in a fancy dish with your fancy crackers.

Salad

Both the salad and the dressing can be made the afternoon before your dinner and stored covered in the fridge.

Ingredients:

Salad

  • 1 bunch fresh spinach
  • 2 tablespoons olive oil
  • 7-10 fresh medium mushrooms, sliced
  • 4 tablespoons of toasted sesame seeds
  • 12-15 cherry or grape tomatoes

Dressing

  • 1 teaspoon brown sugar
  • 2 tablespoons raspberry or balsamic vinegar
  • 1 tablespoon lemon juice
  • 1 tablespoon olive oil
  1. Wash spinach thoroughly and tear into bite sized pieces. If you have a salad spinner, use it. If not, lay spinach on a clean dishtowel. Leave aside.

  2. Heat olive oil in pan. When hot, add mushrooms. If you could not find toasted sesame seeds, you can add the raw ones to the pan at this point.

  3. Allow mushrooms to soften in oil for about one minute. Remove from heat and let cool.

  4. While your frying pan cools, finish drying spinach and put into a large bowl.

  5. Wash tomatoes. If they are not bite-sized, cut into halves or quarters (unless you find chipmunk impersonations arousing). Add to bowl.

  6. Add the ingredients from the frying pan to the bowl and toss your salad.

  7. Mix together ingredients for dressing in a small serving bowl.

  8. Store covered in the fridge until dinner is ready. Serve dressing on the side so that it does not wilt the spinach leaves.

Entrée

You can prepare the ingredients that need chopping while making the salad since you will already be in a slice 'n' dice kind of mood. Store covered in the fridge, removing them about an hour before cooking time so they can descend back to room temperature

Ingredients

  • 1 1/2 cups fusilli pasta
  • 2 tablespoons olive oil
  • 1/2 medium onion, diced
  • 1/4 cup pine nuts, crushed
  • 1/4 cup capers
  • 1/2 cup fennel, tops removed and diced; (Sometimes this is called "anise." Ask the produce guy)
  • 1/4 cup red peppers
  • 1 cup of shrimp, precooked and preshelled
  • 2 tablespoons Italian parsley, minced
  • 2 tablespoons minced fennel tops
  1. Put a large saucepan two-thirds full of lightly salted water on high. When boiling, add pasta. Turn down to medium (so the water is still lightly boiling).

  2. When the pasta is in the pot, turn your attention to the frying pan. Heat olive oil in frying pan. (Sound familiar?) Add onions.

  3. Add pine nuts and cook until a toasty brown color.

  4. Add capers, fennel and red peppers. Cook until these three ingredients are slightly soft.

  5. Add shrimp and cook until lightly toasted.

  6. Remove from heat.

  7. If you've timed everything right, the pasta should be ready by now. If not, keep you sauce on low until pasta is cooked. Drain pasta thoroughly and return it to saucepan.

  8. Add sauce and toss as you would a salad.

  9. Serve onto individual plates and sprinkle a pinch each of parsley and fennel tops over the pasta.

Dessert

You can clean the fruit after you make your salad and, as you guessed, store the fruit covered in your crowded fridge. This will save time later. Your beloved will be so enraptured with you after your fancy entrée that the last thing on your mind will be washing cherries. (No sexual pun intended). The chocolate should be melted just prior to serving. Check out this pastry web site for some cool information on chocolate.

Ingredients:

  • Strawberries and cherries with the tops/stalks left on
  • 1 cup high quality chocolate chips, not the bargain bulk bin kind (or 1 cup Nutella)
  1. Wash and dry berries.

  2. Arrange nicely on a plate. Leave an empty place in the middle for the bowl of chocolate.

  3. Cover fruit and store in fridge until you are ready for it. It can stay in the fridge until the last second, as the melted chocolate will harden a lot more quickly on cold fruit.

  4. Put chocolate chips or Nutella in a microwave safe cup and microwave for a minute. Stir.

  5. Repeat until chocolate is melted or Nutella is heated to desired temperature.

  6. Transfer melted chocolate to a fancy bowl. Place in the center of fruit plate and serve.

Although you will be holding the fruit by the stalk as you dip it in the chocolate and eat it/feed your partner, this could get messy. You could include napkins with your presentation, or improvise with bed sheets or bath towels, depending where you eat your dessert.

You may not be comfortable eating with your hands. Some people find the finger and mouth combination quite sexy, but if you're not at that stage in your relationship, you can remove all the stalks/tops/pits beforehand and serve the fruit with toothpicks.

Now all you have to do is serve it up! The appetizer can be presented to your dinner companion when he/she arrives while you bustle about the kitchen a few moments longer, making the dinner seem to be far more of an ordeal than it actually is. Once dinner is ready, you can seat your guest at the table and serve the salad and dressing in their bowls, and pasta on dishes. Once dinner is over, you can move over to the couch, bedroom or bathtub and serve your dessert when you want.