We're almost at the second-most crassly commercial holiday of the year: Valentine's Day. You are legally entitled to be bitter if you're single. If you're not, it's likely you'll get sucked into the festivities somehow. And that's what we're here for. After reading this SYW, you'll have the knowledge to make a fancy-looking (but not-so-difficult) dinner that will draw your beloved swooning into your arms. And you might get a possible side dish of nookie.

1. GET A QUICK LESSON ON THE HISTORY OF VALENTINE'S DAY

So whose big idea was it to keep you from hanging out with your pals while your loverboy/girl bursts into tears because you bought the wrong type of flowers? How were you supposed to know there was an enormous difference between white roses and white rosebuds! The responsible parties: those early Christian converts.

In the days of yore, happy Roman pagans celebrated a spring festival called "Lupercalia" every February 15th. Oh sure, there was a bit of lusting and groping going on, but c'mon· we've all been freshmen. The Christians were not happy about all the hornplay, so they set about (surprise!) trying to convert the pagan holiday into a similar Christian one, but with more rules. There were a few unsuccessful attempts ("Hey, instead of drawing a maiden's name out of a hat and fornicating with her all year, why don't you draw a saint's name and spend the next year emulating his virtue! Then let's all have some soda and pie!").

Eventually, everyone compromised by celebrating one saint in particular - St. Valentine. Valentine had been martyred on February 14th c. 270 AD for secretly marrying young couples after the Emperor Claudius II had decreed that no potential soldiers could saddle up with a love interest (because that could keep them from battle). Because the dates coincided so neatly, and because of Valentine's participation in keeping the romantic flame alive, the Christians thought this would be a nice substitution. And several centuries later, we're still groping strangers in the forest, so the tradition seems to have won out.

So now you have a nice bit of trivia to share with your beloved as you gaze at each other over candlelight. Or you know who to curse as you stand up to your elbows in burnt grease while your darling's stomach growls plaintively in the next room· that is, if you foolishly forget to read this SYW!

2. SET THE MOOD

This is the "PICK UP YOUR DIRTY SOCKS!" section. Yes, you should do that. Throw away that beloved pile of empty pizza boxes and clean any room you think your dinner guest might visit during the evening (night, next morning). Once you've got this done, and all your ingredients gathered, there are only two other things to worry about:

The table
The scent

The table

Again, we don't expect your table to end up in "Better Homes and Gardens." This night is about good food and good company, but there are two important things to remember about your table.

One word - candlelight. Maybe some people find the fluorescent tubing at fast-food joints conducive to seduction, but most of us normal folk prefer a dim, camouflaging candlelight. Make sure you choose high candlesticks so that both you and your dinner partner are lit from above. You can get some pretty scary results from short candles beaming onto the underside of your eyeballs. This is effective if you plan to tell ghost stories all evening, but otherwise not recommended.

As for decoration, you can plan ahead and decorate your table with flowers, or expect your date to bring some. Either way, don't ruin your view of each other by plunking a huge funeral wreath down in the middle of the table. Set the flowers off to the side where you can appreciate both them and your date. Roses are considered the most romantic of flowers, but make sure you know what you're saying with them. Most novice romantics know that red roses mean love, while white mean friendship, but flower connoisseurs assign even deeper meaning to flowers. A deep red rose can mean "bashful shame" whereas a burgundy rose can signify "unconscious beauty." Quite nerve-wracking for someone racing to the florist's shop at the last minute. If you are worried about offending your date with some unknown flower insult, check out this lovely flower web page for a description of the meaning of certain flowers. At the very least, you will find fodder for more mindless chatter in case conversation stalls.

The scent

Shaik Al-Nefzawi, author of The Perfumed Garden (Tunisia's own "Kama Sutra") offers this advice about scenting a room:

"When she inhales the perfumes· all her bones will be relaxed in a soft repose and finally she will be swooning. When you see her thus far gone, ask her to grant you her favours; she will not hesitate to accord them."

Whoo-hoo! Now you can see the importance of aromatherapy at your meal. When your beloved enters the place, he/she will be overwhelmed with the wonderful scents coming from your kitchen. After the meal, though, you might want to change the tone from eating to, well, another activity of your choice. An excellent way to do this is through scent. Some scents that have arousing effects are vanilla, lavender, jasmine, mandarin and rosewood. Hey, don't take it from us. Dr. Alan Hirsch, director of Chicago's Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation found that certain scents caused an increase in penile blood flow! There's a reason to pick up some potpourri or scented candles!

3. COOK THE MEAL

We don't expect you to be a Ms. Stewart wannabe (thank God). No fancy dishes here. Assuming you have the basics of flatware and cutlery (you do have dishes, don't you?), the only other tools you'll need are:

  • large frying pan
  • large saucepan
  • large salad bowl and tongs
  • large serving plate
  • wooden mixing spoons
  • measuring cups
  • measuring spoons
  • two small serving bowls
  • microwave
  • a boyfriend or girlfriend (or both)

The appetizer does require some sort of blending machine (e.g. Cuisinart, Braun Handblender), so if you don't have that, you might want to buy some pre-made dip.

Now on to our menu:

Beverages Wine, Champagne, or Sparkling Fruit Drinks Appetizer Roasted Red Pepper Dip on Fancy Crackers Salad Spinach Salad with Toasted Sesame Seeds Entrée Fennel Fusilli with Shrimp and Pine Nuts Dessert Fruit with Chocolate Fondue

It's time to get cooking!

Beverages
Appetizer
Salad
Entrée
Dessert

Beverages

Surely you have your favorite wine or champagne. Go nuts! Better yet, visit SoYouWanna learn the basics about wine, SoYouWanna fake being a wine expert, and SoYouWanna choose a champagne. Consider alternating your alcoholic drinks with non-alcoholic ones (such as sparkling fruit drinks.) Remember: a falling down drunk lover is not necessarily the best lover.

Appetizer

This can be made the day before to save you time on the actual day

Ingredients:

  • 1 large red pepper, minced
  • 1/2 clove garlic, peeled and crushed
  • 2 tablespoons olive oil
  • 1/2 cup ricotta cheese (or 1/2 lb. soft tofu)
  • Pepper to taste
  • Fancy crackers (We don't know what they sell where you live! Surely you've seen something cool at the grocery store. Splurge!)

Now here's how to get cooking:

  1. In a large frying pan, heat the olive oil on HIGH

  2. When oil is hot, turn the heat down to Low/Medium and drop in the garlic. Stir the garlic with a wooden spoon so it does not burn.

  3. After about a minute, add the red pepper. By this point, the oil should not be so hot that it requires your constant attention.

  4. Turn your attention to pureeing the ricotta cheese or soft tofu with your blender. (Suggestion: the cheese will add more fat to your meal than tofu, which would not help you with later amorous plans. If you can't stand the thought of a full-on hippie dip, you could always combine equal amounts of cheese and tofu to spare yourself the gag-inducing experience of unadulterated soy).

  5. Combine the contents of your frying pan with your pureed cheese or tofu.

  6. Mix in a food processor or with a hand blender until smooth. Add pepper to taste.

  7. Store covered in the fridge until your intended has arrived. Serve in a fancy dish with your fancy crackers.

Salad

Both the salad and the dressing can be made the afternoon before your dinner and stored covered in the fridge.

Ingredients:

Salad

  • 1 bunch fresh spinach
  • 2 tablespoons olive oil
  • 7-10 fresh medium mushrooms, sliced
  • 4 tablespoons of toasted sesame seeds
  • 12-15 cherry or grape tomatoes

Dressing

  • 1 teaspoon brown sugar
  • 2 tablespoons raspberry or balsamic vinegar
  • 1 tablespoon lemon juice
  • 1 tablespoon olive oil
  1. Wash spinach thoroughly and tear into bite sized pieces. If you have a salad spinner, use it. If not, lay spinach on a clean dishtowel. Leave aside.

  2. Heat olive oil in pan. When hot, add mushrooms. If you could not find toasted sesame seeds, you can add the raw ones to the pan at this point.

  3. Allow mushrooms to soften in oil for about one minute. Remove from heat and let cool.

  4. While your frying pan cools, finish drying spinach and put into a large bowl.

  5. Wash tomatoes. If they are not bite-sized, cut into halves or quarters (unless you find chipmunk impersonations arousing). Add to bowl.

  6. Add the ingredients from the frying pan to the bowl and toss your salad.

  7. Mix together ingredients for dressing in a small serving bowl.

  8. Store covered in the fridge until dinner is ready. Serve dressing on the side so that it does not wilt the spinach leaves.

Entrée

You can prepare the ingredients that need chopping while making the salad since you will already be in a slice 'n' dice kind of mood. Store covered in the fridge, removing them about an hour before cooking time so they can descend back to room temperature

Ingredients

  • 1 1/2 cups fusilli pasta
  • 2 tablespoons olive oil
  • 1/2 medium onion, diced
  • 1/4 cup pine nuts, crushed
  • 1/4 cup capers
  • 1/2 cup fennel, tops removed and diced; (Sometimes this is called "anise." Ask the produce guy)
  • 1/4 cup red peppers
  • 1 cup of shrimp, precooked and preshelled
  • 2 tablespoons Italian parsley, minced
  • 2 tablespoons minced fennel tops
  1. Put a large saucepan two-thirds full of lightly salted water on high. When boiling, add pasta. Turn down to medium (so the water is still lightly boiling).

  2. When the pasta is in the pot, turn your attention to the frying pan. Heat olive oil in frying pan. (Sound familiar?) Add onions.

  3. Add pine nuts and cook until a toasty brown color.

  4. Add capers, fennel and red peppers. Cook until these three ingredients are slightly soft.

  5. Add shrimp and cook until lightly toasted.

  6. Remove from heat.

  7. If you've timed everything right, the pasta should be ready by now. If not, keep you sauce on low until pasta is cooked. Drain pasta thoroughly and return it to saucepan.

  8. Add sauce and toss as you would a salad.

  9. Serve onto individual plates and sprinkle a pinch each of parsley and fennel tops over the pasta.

Dessert

You can clean the fruit after you make your salad and, as you guessed, store the fruit covered in your crowded fridge. This will save time later. Your beloved will be so enraptured with you after your fancy entrée that the last thing on your mind will be washing cherries. (No sexual pun intended). The chocolate should be melted just prior to serving. Check out this pastry web site for some cool information on chocolate.

Ingredients:

  • Strawberries and cherries with the tops/stalks left on
  • 1 cup high quality chocolate chips, not the bargain bulk bin kind (or 1 cup Nutella)
  1. Wash and dry berries.

  2. Arrange nicely on a plate. Leave an empty place in the middle for the bowl of chocolate.

  3. Cover fruit and store in fridge until you are ready for it. It can stay in the fridge until the last second, as the melted chocolate will harden a lot more quickly on cold fruit.

  4. Put chocolate chips or Nutella in a microwave safe cup and microwave for a minute. Stir.

  5. Repeat until chocolate is melted or Nutella is heated to desired temperature.

  6. Transfer melted chocolate to a fancy bowl. Place in the center of fruit plate and serve.

Although you will be holding the fruit by the stalk as you dip it in the chocolate and eat it/feed your partner, this could get messy. You could include napkins with your presentation, or improvise with bed sheets or bath towels, depending where you eat your dessert.

You may not be comfortable eating with your hands. Some people find the finger and mouth combination quite sexy, but if you're not at that stage in your relationship, you can remove all the stalks/tops/pits beforehand and serve the fruit with toothpicks.

Now all you have to do is serve it up! The appetizer can be presented to your dinner companion when he/she arrives while you bustle about the kitchen a few moments longer, making the dinner seem to be far more of an ordeal than it actually is. Once dinner is ready, you can seat your guest at the table and serve the salad and dressing in their bowls, and pasta on dishes. Once dinner is over, you can move over to the couch, bedroom or bathtub and serve your dessert when you want.

4. ENGAGE IN SOME AFTER-DINNER ACTIVITIES

Now, we all know you don't plan to kick your beloved out the door the second the last chocolate covered cherry disappears down his/her throat. ("Goodnight! See you next year!") We also know that dinner is frequently a prelude to· something else. You should plan this part of your evening just as carefully as you did the dinner.

First things first, you need to learn how to kiss. And you may think you know how, but we asked your ex, and we know you could use a kissing refresher course.

If you are a recent acquaintance of your dinner guest, you will want to keep things low-key. Someone you met that afternoon in the grocery store might be a bit surprised by a bed covered with roses. Perhaps renting a romantic movie might be more appropriate.

If you do know your partner won't slap your face at any lewd suggestion you come up with, you can surprise him/her with romantic treats like a scented bathtub (complete with floating candles - just make sure to remove them before you get in!) Or, you might want to prepare your bed like a massage table and present your beloved with a bottle of massage oil and thirty minutes of your fingers' time. But before you start karate chopping away on your partner's back, learn how to give a massage the right way. You'll thank us later.

After that, it's up to you. There is no SYW for what comes between dinner and a romantic breakfast (unless we start using NetNanny). Don't worry: we have faith in you. Good luck!