For years, the only people who could afford DVD players were the super-rich. Damn them. Fortunately, over the past few years an abundance of affordable DVD players have made it to market, meaning they're now well within the price range of the average household. Couple that with the fact that the catalog of DVD movie titles is filling up at a fantastic rate, and it's easy to see why VCRs across the country are living in fear that they will soon be cohabitating with the 8-track in the attic. Want a player to call your own? Read on…

1. LEARN WHAT DVDS ARE AND HOW THEY WORK

How DVDs were created

"DVD" stands for Digital Video Disc (or Digital Versatile Disc as the British seem to prefer). It's a disc that's 4 ¾ inches in diameter, 1.2 mm thick, and can store 8.5 gigabytes of data on one side (or the equivalent of about 6,800 floppy disks).

Back in 1994, Sony and Phillips announced that they would jointly develop a technology that would replace CDs for data storage. The intention was also to develop a media format that could replace VHS tapes and LaserDiscs as a way of storing movies and delivering them to consumers. Meanwhile, Time-Warner and Toshiba were working on their own competing technology (those bastards!).

The two teams unveiled their products within weeks of each other, and the rush to market was on. Apple, Compaq, Fujitsu, Hewlett-Packard, IBM, and Microsoft collectively feared that another VHS-vs.-Beta war would ensue - these companies wanted to use DVD technology for their computers, and the last thing they wanted to worry about was adapting their product for two different formats. So they made their own existences less miserable by demanding that DVDs be made in only one format.

So Sony, Phillips, Toshiba, Time-Warner and a handful of other companies all got together and decided on a uniform standard for all DVDs, making life easier for everybody. Fast forward eight months later, and the assemblage of DVD developers were still quibbling over how to produce a five-inch disk. But they eventually got everything ironed out.

How DVDs work

On a CD, the data is read off the disc using an infrared laser; a DVD works in the same way, but it uses a shorter wavelength laser so that it can read smaller "pits" or little pockets in which data is stored. Smaller pits mean more of them on a disc, hence more information. DVDs also have not one but two layers per side that can store information. And DVDs can carry info on both sides (front and back) for a total of four data-holding layers. So while a CD can fit about 20 minutes of compressed video, a DVD can hold about 135 minutes… per layer. That means that one double-layered double-sided DVD can hold up to 9 hours of Steven Seagal. Will wonders never cease?

If that's not enough for you, check out these other benefits of DVDs:

  • DVDs play with 540 lines of horizontal resolution. Compare that to a VHS tape, which plays with 210 lines.

  • DVDs sample audio at higher rates (all that means is that the sound is better).

  • DVDs can support multiple aspect ratios - that is, movies can be viewed in their original wide-screen versions (16:9 ratio) as opposed to their formatted-to-fit-the-screen ones that TVs use (4:3 ratio).

  • DVDs can hold up to 32 language tracks.

  • DVDs can support split screens, director's cuts, alternate endings, voiceovers, and any other interesting little doodads.

And as your reward for sitting through all that, you win a piece of trivial information that you might actually be able to drop into conversation some day:

Q: What was the first movie put onto DVD?
A: The Beatles' A Hard Day's Night.

2. DETERMINE HOW MUCH YOU WANT TO SPEND

Ooh, I want "high-carbon isolating feet" on my DVD player! Well, are you willing to spend $5000? You're DVD-playing needs might not require such a weirdly-named feature. So before you go to the store, you should check out this guide and figure how much dough you're willing to lose. There are three ranges:

$300 range
$500 range
$1000+ range

$300 Range

Three hundred dollars is the cheapest that you should go. For that, you'll get:

  • a picture that is clearly superior to any VCR
  • scanning
  • zoom
  • preview options
  • a variety of basic and gee-whiz type features

Coincidentally, these are all great features to use when watching porn. The sound options are limited relative to what the upper-end models will have, but the picture will be outstanding. If that's all that matters to you, then get this model.

$500 Range

If you want to make the jump to the next level of players, look to spend around $500. For the extra cost you are likely to get some additional video reproduction technology that:

  • eliminates any imperfections
  • provides an even sharper picture
  • allows you greater control over the image

But most notable in this level of player are the sound output options. Most of the mid-range players will have surround sound and digital sound capabilities that their less-expensive brethren lack.

$1000 and up

If you still aren't satisfied with what you get, then expect to break to bank. The upper end models are going to run from $1000 on up. Heck, you can spend $5000 on a DVD player if you want. But even for the mere $1000 models, you're still treading into technophile territory:

  • gold-plated outputs
  • THX sound
  • high-definition ready
  • vulcanic visuo-sonic therptometers

OK, we made that last one up. But it proves that these top-notch DVD players are only for people obsessed with that kind of thing. Furthermore, you won't see many of the benefits unless the player is paired with other high-end components. A $1000 machine might not look better than a DVD player costing half as much on an old-ish 15" TV. So our suggestion is to forget these ultra-pricey players.

One overarching suggestion is for you to stick with name brands. Why? Well, if your DVD player breaks, a familiar name brand (Sony, Pioneer, Panasonic, Phillips, Toshiba) will honor the warrantee. Less familiar brands (Sonee, Pyoneer, Panasonik, Fillips, Tushiba) probably aren't quite as reliable at warrantee-honoring. If a name isn't familiar but you like the player, then do some research and find some feedback from other consumers who have the same machine-you should at least look the player up in Consumer Reports.

3. CHOOSE YOUR PICTURE QUALITY

Maybe this step should be titled "Relax," because you know what? When you spend $300, you're going to get a great picture. The $300 picture is obviously going to be inferior to the $1300 one, but you'd have to be a hardcore videophile to really notice.

The difference between the low-end and the high-end players with regard to picture is to some extent in how they handle what are called "digital artifacts." Machines that have some sort of digital video noise reduction system will eliminate the "artifacts," or errors in the image from digital imperfections. It's not actual "noise" (as in sound) that is being reduced, but "noise" as in unwanted stuff.

So this is how we recommend you proceed: first, go to a store and look at the picture quality. Whichever one you like best, buy. After that, you can use the technical and non-technical features as a tie-breakers:

  • Every DVD player has either 9 bit or 10 bit D/A processing. D/A just means "digital to analog." This converts the digital info into a signal that your TV can understand, and as you could probably guess, 10 bit is better than 9 bit. Even if that meant nothing to you, just know that 10 is better than 9.

  • Some players might give you options such as "soft," "sharp" or "cinema" outputs. These will give you subtle changes in the picture as it appears on your TV.

  • The "oh, cool" features are important too. Does the picture scan or play in slow-motion smoothly? Can you focus on a part of the screen and zoom in on it while play continues? Do you even care if your machine can do that? Some of these additions will be of the "neat" variety, but others you might find to be indispensable. Play with the remote in the store and try to check out all of these features.

  • On upper end machines, look for things like disc stabilization. The truer the disc spins, the better the picture's image. Also look for controls - horizontal and vertical sharpness, black level, and gamma level - that allow you to tinker specifically with the image itself. Sharpness is self-explanatory, black and gamma levels give control over color and light respectively.

  • Finally, don't forget to check out the controls both on the deck and the remote. You're not going to read directions (don't get defensive... nobody reads them), so make sure the controls and access to the features you are going to use are largely self-explanatory and simple to figure out.

There are potentially dozens of things to take into consideration, so don't forget to budget ahead of time. What you are willing to spend will dictate to a large extent what options you have to choose from. You may feel limited, but it might save you having to worry about technical specs that you can't even afford.

4. CHOOSE YOUR SOUND QUALITY

Okay, it is Digital Video Disc, but the audio considerations are important enough to warrant their own consideration. In fact audio considerations are often as numerous - and possibly more confusing - than visual ones.

First, if you have your current VCR hooked up to your TV and that's it-no home entertainment center or anything fancy - and you are just going to swap a DVD player for your VCR, then continue reading so that you can learn what you are missing out on.

DTS or Dolby Digital

When you look at the audio specs, you are likely to encounter two types :

  • one of the audio output types is called DTS (Digital Theater Sound)

  • the other is called Dolby Digital (this might also be called AC-3, but it is the same as Dolby Digital).

The difference? DTS is newer and is capable of producing slightly better sound, but both DTS and Dolby Digital are 5.1 channel systems. What does that mean? It means the sound is processed into 6 different paths. Makes perfect sense.

The 5 channels are center, front right, rear right, front left, rear left, and the .1 stands for the subwoofer (that's really low bass). This allows you to have a theater-like surround sound with the center channel mimicking the dialogue emanating from the screen and the other channels giving the sound from, well, everyplace else.

Decoders and compatibility

Next, look to see if your player is "compatible" or has "decoders." Some models are just "compatible" with these sound systems and better ones will have what are called "decoders" built right in. Having decoders built in is better (and will, of course, cost you more). If you want decoders, you are probably looking at the $500 range as a minimum. Most $300 models will at least be compatible with either DTS or Dolby Digital.

Decoders actually separate the sound into those discreet 5.1 channels and send them to the appropriate places. And those places are 6 separate output jacks on the back of the DVD player. So, if you want the benefit of those separate channels, your receiver must be equipped to handle them with 6 separate inputs. In other words, they need to match.

That's important because it means that if your DVD player is part of your home entertainment center, then the sound will only be as good as what your receiver is capable of. There is no reason to plop down $1000 on a DVD player with onboard DTS decoders if your receiver only has stereo left and right inputs.

Other feature considerations

Here's some good news: DVD players can also play music CDs. Some DVD players will also handle what's called DVD Audio. These are essentially CDs made on DVD discs to take advantage of DVD's higher sampling rate (a "higher sampling rate" is capable of superior sound). DVD Audio hasn't really caught on, but know that it's out there.

Finally, for those of you who have ever thought, "Gee, my living room would make a great Japanese bar," many DVD players offer karaoke capabilities.

5. HOOK IT UP

You bought yourself a beautiful DVD player. Now you have to hook the thing up. That is, you do if you want to actually watch something from it anyway. It's amazing how many people have difficulty with this kind of stuff, but then again, 12 people found O.J. innocent.

Having read the audio section you're likely to realize that your DVD player might have 6 output jacks for sound alone! Yep, but let's start simple and work our way up to 6 or more.

If you are just going to hook up your DVD player straight to your TV, then you can plug one end of a connector into the standard "video out" connection - that's the round and probably yellow-colored jack - on back of your DVD player and connect the other end to the "video in" on the back your TV. Do the same with the audio connections. The only difference is that audio will have both a left and a right connection on the back of your DVD player and TV. That's it. Start watching porn.

For a clearer picture you might want to use the S-Video output. S-Video is a round connection with a funky looking set of pins inside. If you decide to try S-Video, just hook one end of the S-Video cable into the DVD player and the other end into the TV. Easy. (But you should know that not all TVs have S-Video outlets, though most new ones do.)

Now that you've got your player, all you need is something to watch. You're on your own - although we personally suggest that you take advantage of your increased picture quality and zoom capacities by viewing exceptionally large amounts of top-quality pornography.