4. CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING GIFTS

And now, a section for those of you who are growling, "Just tell me what I should buy, dammit!" We'll cut to the chase. Here are some fun present ideas categorized by how much dough you have, how funky your friends are, and how much creativity you can handle. And then there's a list of normal presents you should have been able to come up with yourself (but apparently haven't).

Nice (expensive) presents
Funky presents
Presents from the (frugal) heart
Just plain presents

Nice (expensive) presents

  • Lessons for something. Golf, drums, swing dancing, glass blowing, javelin throwing, whatever. Just be certain that the recipient has expressed an interest in the subject and can fit it into their schedule. Look up the lessons in your phone book, or check out local newspapers - you're likely to find special deals around the holidays.

  • Massagers. It's always nice to feel pampered. Check out this site for the next best thing to a real massage. One warning: when buying an electric massager for a woman, be sure not to get one of a certain…ummmmm…shape. She might get the wrong idea.

  • Tickets to a big event. Is your givee a big fan of hockey or Broadway or the Backstreet Boys? (If it's the last one, we're sorry.) Check out what's going down in town near the present-giving occasion (or a little after), and get tickets. You can either fork over the pair or keep one of the tickets for yourself and insist on accompanying the recipient (whether he/she wants you to or not).

  • Cool furniture/house stuff. We're talking hammocks, paper lanterns, and artwork - not a porcelain German shepherd statue (unless the recipient already collects porcelain dog statues - and why are you friends with such people?). Just make sure your present fits in with the recipient's décor.

Funky presents

These gag-ish gifts are good for laidback people with a sense of humor-but you might consider getting these presents in addition to a serious gift.

  • Chia Pet. We're not kidding - some people find these sorta kitschy and funny. Make sure your recipient is one of these people. Visit the official Chia website for the scoop on how to get one.

  • Dart board. They're entertaining, strangely addictive, and surprisingly cheap. For a bonus, attach a picture of the recipient's ex right in the center. Ahhhh, sweet catharsis. Check out a Modell's or Sports Authority near you.

  • Website domain name. Everyone wants a piece of the dotcom pie, right? If your recipient is HTML savvy, (or at least the paranoid type who wouldn't want anyone else "owning" his name), consider purchasing him a name-based URL. Just think: for about $35 a year, your givee can own www.JoeyShmoey.com! That's huge! Simply go to Register.com or NetworkSolutions.com, make sure the domain name has not been taken yet, and register it. Send your recipient an email prompting him/her to check out to their new name-based address-but first rig the URL so that it bounces to a random porn site. (We're all for making people blush.)

  • Anything from a novelty store. From naughty card games to farting nun dolls, there's something for everyone at the corner novelty store. Just promise us you won't go overboard with this stuff.

Presents from the (frugal) heart

  • A collage or a scrapbook that you fill with pictures and mementos of your relationship with the givee.

  • Cookies, cakes, muffins or anything else that's fattening and says, "I like you enough to bake for you!" Invest in some icing in a writing tube and decorate your gifts with little messages.

  • Coupon booklet filled with IOUs, like "IOU one laundry washing," or "IOU one trip to the movies." Just don't include anything you'll regret later on (like, "IOU one nose hair plucking.").

  • Homemade artwork, but only if you're good at art (and by that we mean if everyone else thinks you're good, too). Not even your mother wants another one of those macaroni-covered cardboard picture frames.

Just plain presents

The following presents are generic enough to apply to a lot of people without being too generic (like the aforementioned coffee mugs).

  • Journal. Pick out one with a cover that will interest the recipient here.

  • Stuffed animal. Be trendy about it and get a Ty Beanie Buddy or a Gund.

  • Chocolates. Don't buy chocolates if they're going to be the kind with the mystery middle. Invest in an elegant box of Godiva chocolates, or if you're strapped for cash, go with those gooey (and cheapy) Ferrero Rochers.

  • Gift certificates. Contrary to popular belief, gift certificates are not always a cop out, especially for people who like to shop for their own stuff and have highly picky tastes. Visit GiftCertificates.com for gift certificates for the movies. Also consider getting a gift certificate from the local beauty spa for a day of pampering.

  • Personalized stuff. All we have to say is make sure you get the recipient's name spelled right. Buy personalized things here. But please, no his and her monogrammed anything.

  • Gift baskets. Gift baskets don't have to consist only of shady-smelling cheeses. Check out GiftBaskets.com, or better yet, buy a cheapo basket and stuff it yourself.

  • Liquor. Who doesn't like a nice, stiff drink every now and then? Just make sure you're sending bottles to those of legal drinking age.

  • Board games. Games like Scattergories, Twister, Taboo, and Pictionary can make really great presents, especially when you're giving them to friends or family members that you get together with often. Also keep in mind that some games (like Monopoly) come in special editions (Pokemon, Star Wars, etc.), which allow you to appeal more closely to the recipient's interests.

  • Magazine subscription. If you happen to know that the recipient already buys issues of a certain magazine every once in awhile, get him/her a subscription. Rather than go through the expense of purchasing a copy yourself in order to score one of those subscription cards, simply go to a newsstand, pick up a copy of the desired magazine, and shake the bejesus out of it until a card comes floating out. Or you could just order the magazine online here.

  • And if all else fails… browse through Amazon.com or Buy.com. If you can't find anything at any of these places, you're hopeless and we officially wash our hands of you.