There are lots of good reasons to rent your body to science: the advancement of knowledge, the opportunity to help future generations - oh, who are we kidding? The bottom line is that by "volunteering" to participate in medical experiments (a.k.a. being a "human guinea pig"), you can pick up some well-earned cash.

Hundreds of thousands of Americans participate in varying levels of medical research every year - it can be as simple as a questionnaire or as risky as a new drug treatment that might make your hair fall out (though you'll be warned about such unwelcome side effects). And as a side benefit, you really will be advancing medical knowledge. You altruist you.

But before we strap on the electrodes, you must acknowledge one important note: before you volunteer to participate in ANY medical study, no matter how simple, you first must consider how far you're willing to go. Some experiments are more involved, time-consuming, and (gulp!) painful than others. However, we assure you that being a human guinea pig is very safe - you won't have a mad scientist brandishing a scalpel and cackling above you. In fact, there're so many requirements and regulations that there's virtually no chance that you'll wind up disfigured, dead, or even worse, addicted to The Real World. (Or at least without your explicit permission.) For lots of information about the safety of human subject trials, visit the Office of Human Subjects Research of the National Institute of Health (NIH), and the Office for Human Research Protections of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

1. LEARN ABOUT SIMPLE EXPERIMENTS

Almost every study in which you participate will have some kind of requirement. No study, after all, wants to blow its grant money on subjects who they know will not fit their needs. Some studies will only want college-educated men between the ages of 30-32, and some studies will only want Polynesian grandmothers who have had at least 10 children. The more specific the requirements are, the more likely that you'll get paid a lot of money if you fit them.

Simple experiments are, by nature, simple to conduct and to find subjects for. These usually involve doing nothing to you per se, but just studying your current state. Questionnaires, quizzes, a blood test, an MRI: these are all relatively simple. Here are the three basic categories of simple experiments:

Questionnaires and interviews
Medical exams and/or interviews: Type I
Medical exams and/or interviews: Type II

Questionnaires and interviews

These experiments are easy, quick, but also the lowest paying. Psychologists, sociologists, anthropologists, and their lackey grad students usually run them, so if you can endure these armchair social reformers without falling asleep, you'll be able to find lots of experiments. These types of studies usually involve an interview or questionnaire for you to fill out, or in some cases looking at images and describing your feelings toward them (usually through multiple choice questions).

We'll tell you upfront that these are incredibly easy and a great way to make some extra cash. This is an especially attractive option for college students, since you can just walk around campus and find out what studies are taking place.

  • What it generally pays: Between $5-$20, depending on how long it takes. If you're in college, many professors will give you extra credit in lieu of cash for helping their grad students with a particular study.

  • Possible risks: Extreme boredom, and you sometimes have to return for follow-up sessions.

Medical exams and/or interviews: Type I

Many researchers are interested in the correlation between one's general health and his/her stress levels, anger management, or other mental factors - this is where you cash in. For Type I exams, you usually are subjected to a lengthier examination that will probably involve a general physical (height, weight, blood pressure, etc.), and then answer questions about your mental health.

(By the way, if you do become a human guinea pig, you'll hear the word "correlation" a lot - if researchers don't find a "positive correlation," they'll become the money-wasting Kevin Costners of the scientific community.)

  • What it generally pays: The range is wide, but you could pocket anywhere from $20-$100.

  • Possible risks: A cold stethoscope, the revelation of private information, and time.

Medical exams and/or interviews: Type II

The same as the Type I experiments above, except these may involve some more advanced procedures such as:

  • Blood tests: Not a big deal, but if a paper cut makes you queasy, you may want to stay away from this. Wimp.

  • EKG: Those white, circular stickers on you that measure heart function and brain response. It doesn't hurt at all, and you can pretend you're a cyborg.

  • MRI: A doctor will slide you headfirst into a coffin-like tube to see what's going on inside your organs. If you're claustrophobic, avoid these - you'll freak out. But they're so expensive you probably won't encounter this in a voluntary experiment.

  • Internal exams: These can involve vaginal exams and/or rectal exams. Need we say more?

This isn't an exhaustive list, but they are the major tests that'll you encounter. Remember, the more you allow to be done to yourself, the more money you'll probably make. But if the doctor wants to remove limbs or organs, we suggest that you take pause. All the money in the world does you no good without a brain. Just ask any celebrity.

  • What it generally pays: Usually a little more than the Type I experiments. It depends on the tests given, but the range is about $50-$100.

  • Possible risks: It's very rare, but you could have some weird reaction to a test. Also, after a blood test, you may feel light-headed or queasy.

2. LEARN ABOUT MORE INVOLVED TYPES OF EXPERIMENTS

So you're ready for the big, poke-and-prodding, higher-paying experiments, huh? You superstar. They're usually not one-shot deals - most will involve multiple visits, and others require you to stay over at a hospital for one night or more. And while the risks do increase as the experiment becomes more involved, all regulated ones are pretty darn safe. Why? Because if something bad happens to you, the researchers will be fired, discredited, and sued for millions. Ain't America great?

Sleep studies
Experiments involving alcohol or illegal drugs
Clinical trials for experimental drugs

Sleep studies

Grab your PJs and your teddy bear, because you could get paid to have a slumber party. Well, kinda. Sleep studies, commonly performed by psychiatrists, usually involve interviews/questionnaires, or even induced anxiety (from a mild electric shock) before you go to sleep. Then, through EKG tests and videotape, your sleep patterns will be closely observed.

These studies do require a decent amount of time - usually one or more (but not necessarily consecutive) nights, these sleep studies are usually pretty lucrative. Plus, the risks are tiny, and you can pretend you're staying in a hotel (albeit without the ice machine and little soaps). It won't necessarily be comfortable-perhaps you'll be asked to stay awake for as long as you can - but it won't be dangerous.

  • What it generally pays: Usually about $100 per night, for about one to three nights.

  • Possible risks: Freddy Krueger.

Experiments involving alcohol or illegal drugs

Attention college students, drug addicts, alcoholics, and Robert Downey, Jr.: some experiments will pay you to ingest illegal drugs or drink alcohol! However, because of the dangerous nature of illegal drugs, these trials are very rare, and usually only performed on real guinea pigs. When these experiments are allowed, rest assured that you will be closely monitored to make sure that nothing disastrous happens.

The alcohol studies are more common - you'll have to drink a certain amount of alcohol and then answer questions and/or have tests performed on you. These also usually take place over more than one session, and you have to be at least 21 years old.

  • What it generally pays: Anywhere from $50-$100s.

  • Possible risks: With illegal drugs, addiction or violent reactions could occur - but this is why these trials are rarely performed. And while the risk of alcohol poisoning is very small, you could wind up getting silly with the stethoscopes.

Clinical trials for experimental drugs

This means that you'll be taking a drug that has yet to be officially approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA). But don't worry; it won't be some elixir mixed in a bathtub. You can do that on your own time.

There are different types of clinical drugs trials, the simplest involving a small number of volunteers taking the drug over a certain period of time to test its safety in the human body.

A second type is where patients who have a specific ailment can really benefit, and also really help future patients. These are called double-blind placebo trials:

  1. Volunteers with a certain ailment (e.g. allergies, acne, hypertension, AIDS, etc.) are recruited.

  2. Patients are randomly assigned into either a group taking the real medication or a placebo, which is a fake pill with no "real" medication in it. Neither the patients nor the researchers know if the patient is taking the real medicine or the placebo. The reason that scientists use placebos is to make sure that the "cure" to an ailment isn't purely mental.

  3. At the end of the trial, the volunteers find out what they were taking. If the researchers feel that people who take the real medication show significant improvement, then the placebo group will get the medication for free and the researchers will use the study as evidence that the drug should be available to all.

Recently, those pesky ethicists have made an outcry against these types of trials, claiming that it isn't right to withhold the drug to those with the ailment. However, if the researchers determine that the drug has a substantial benefit, they can halt the trial early and give everyone the treatment. Besides, the only way to figure out if a medication really works is to compare people who do take it with people who don't.

If you're worried about bad reactions or side effects of the medication, it's a valid concern. But doctors will always go to great lengths to make sure you're safe. So as long as you answer all the doctor's questions honestly, any bad reaction will be a completely freak occurrence. If this bugs you out, then don't participate in these trials.

For more information about clinical trials, click here.

  • What it usually pays: Up to a few hundred dollars; however, some do not pay anything because the free treatment is considered the compensation.

  • Possible risks: Side reactions to a drug, either mild or severe, although it's very rare. These also usually require many tests and a large time commitment.

3. FIND THOSE EXPERIMENTS

To cash in on this market, you can't just run up to the nearest doctor and say, "test me, baby!" You'll have to seek out experiments… but it's not that hard. First, ask around. If your friends, relatives, or acquaintances work for a medical or academic institution, see if they need any subjects. Also, you can ask your doctor about any clinical trials he/she knows of. But here're some other options:

Colleges
Newspaper ads
The Internet
Pharmaceutical companies

Colleges

A great place to find ongoing experiments is a college campus. This is because the researchers know that college kids are desperate for cash, lazy, and don't really care about their bodies. Pretty perceptive, eh?

Whether or not you're a student, check around campus (especially the student centers) for flyers advertising various types of experiments. Also, most major universities have research hospitals near them, so just go on over and ask around. They'll either sign you up for an experiment right then or put you in a database and contact you when one rolls around. Finally, go to the psychology, communication research, and sociology departments at any college.

Newspaper ads

Yep, you read that right - sometimes, right along with the ad for a "1971 Ford, engine missing," you can find opportunities for human guinea pigs. However, if you do find an ad, when you call, you'll probably find it's all filled up already. But keep your eyes open; sometimes, pharmaceutical companies or hospitals run widespread ads asking for volunteers. If you do see one and are interested, CALL IMMEDIATELY. Those spots fill up almost instantly.

The Internet

And, of course, the Internet. Here are two ways to use the Web to find research trials:

  1. Search for the website of a major hospital near you, and then look for any section concerning clinical trials or research volunteers. This page will find a hospital in your area. Ask.com is another good place to start.

  2. WebMD offers listings (by state or medical specialty) of both NIH studies and clinical trials looking for volunteers.

Pharmaceutical companies

If you don't mind pumping your body full of drugs (legal ones, that is), opportunities abound at pharmaceutical companies. Simply contact the companies and tell them you're interested in being a guinea pig, and they'll let you know if there are clinical trials going on or they'll put you in a database. But go easy on these trials unless you're really determined to change the chemical composition of your body.

Remember, there're lots of guinea pig hopefuls around, so if you see an experiment that looks good, follow up on it IMMEDIATELY or else you'll just be a wandering, unfulfilled guinea pig. How sad.

Finally, although almost every study will be official and safe, always read the ad carefully and please stay away from anything that looks sketchy. (For example, ignore that flyer for human subjects to "test brain function after several massive blows to the cranium.")

4. MAKE SURE YOU'RE QUALIFIED FOR THE EXPERIMENT

Once you've found the experiment of your dreams, check out the qualifications and make sure you meet them. First, you'll probably have to be at least 18 years old. And obviously, if the experiment asks for females, you have to be female. (Unless the experiment involves sex changes.) If you're not sure if you qualify or not, just call up and ask.

For any medical-type experiment, it's also common to see the phrase "healthy volunteers." This doesn't mean you have to be Arnold Schwarzenegger - we already have enough trouble with only one of him - you just have to be reasonably healthy. If you meet these basic requirements, you'll first have an initial interview, at which the doctor will ask you:

  • Medication you are currently taking. This includes any recreational drugs, and before you ask, yes, you will probably get a urine test. But don't worry, college kiddies, this doesn't necessarily mean you're disqualified.

  • Any pre-existing health conditions (including mental health) or allergies you have.

It is imperative you answer these questions fully and honestly - they're set up to protect you from any harm. And don't worry; everything is confidential. If it's determined that any medication you're on will interfere, you won't be allowed to participate. Tough noogies, but they'll be other crazy experiments.

Three more things:

  1. Make sure you can devote the time necessary for the entire experiment. While you won't get charged a fee for dropping out of an experiment, you probably won't get paid and you will surely anger those researchers.

  2. Check the location of the experiment and see that you have sufficient transportation (e.g., car, bus, taxi, subway, dogsled, etc.).

  3. Ascertain that the experiment doesn't conflict with any moral or religious beliefs you hold. If you're opposed to human subject research, then - wait, what are you doing here anyway?

5. KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT DURING THE EXPERIMENT

Once you've been accepted, the first thing that you'll probably do is sign a consent form. This is a contract that states:

  • The procedure and duration of the experiment.
  • Possible dangers or side effects.
  • Compensation (i.e. how much you'll get paid).

Some of the simple experiments may not provide a full consent form (depending on what the questions are about), but you should always ask about it anyway. Once you sign, you acknowledge that any risks and most of the liability is put on your shoulders if something should happen. Moral: read the consent form very carefully and ask any questions you may have.

After that's taken care of, just listen to the doctor(s) and do what they say. Again, we must reiterate that you're allowed to leave the experiment at any time, for any reason. And if at any time you feel sick, in pain, sprouting wings, etc., speak up immediately.

During interviews or questionnaires, your personal information is EXTREMELY confidential, and your answers will be coded (that is, "hidden") anyway. So pretend you're on Springer and spill those guts.

After it's all over, shout out, "Show me the money!!!" If your compensation is a small amount, you'll probably get cold hard cash; if you're raking in the big bucks, you'll get a check mailed to you. Also, if you had to pay for transportation or anything like that (e.g., taxi, gas, babysitter, etc.), you might get reimbursed, so ask about it. If you took any drugs that might cause drowsiness, you may want to ask a friend to drive you to and from the exam (especially if it's an alcohol trial).

And that's it! You can sleep soundly knowing you've helped future patients… even if that extra head the doctors attached watches infomercials round the clock.