You're alive. Give yourself a pat on the back. Sure, someone is trying to drive an iron spike into the back of your skull with a huge mallet, and what used to be mere colors and sounds are now interesting new species of pain, but you're still alive. You didn't choke on your own vomit. Small steps. Here's how to survive the rest of the morning:

  1. Go back to bed. Is it a workday? Call in sick, call in sick, call in sick. You really are sick. Just ask your doctor. There are two ways of dealing with this fact:
    Insane: "I was bad, so I deserve to feel like crap right now, and the only responsible thing to do is to drag my sorry carcass into work."

    Sane: "Hello, _____ ? (insert boss's or even better, boss's secretary's name) Yeah, hi, it's ____. (insert your name) Listen, I think I might vomit, so I'm going to stay in bed for a while. Yeah, thanks. Bye."
    Seriously, lie and call in that you have the stomach flu. No one will ask you about the details, and you'll sound awful anyway. Your body needs rest as it struggles to repair itself.

  2. No more alcohol. The health-care pros generally believe that if, after a night of karaoke and greenish cocktails, you wake up all fuzzy-tongued and nauseous and that bottle of six-year-old crème de menthe on the night stand still looks good to you, you've got a problem. More booze the day after is just gonna make things worse.

  3. Beware of coffee. Most of us blindly stretch out a shaky hand for the coffee cure-all based on the hypothesis that it usually wakes you up in the morning, so a cup of joe could do no harm. Those in the know, however, largely advise you to stay away from caffeinated beverages, since they are diuretic, and will aggravate dehydration. Opposing the kill-joys are those who tout coffee's headache-fighting power, and those who feel that denying a caffeine-addict his cup of Juan Valdez in times of greatest need constitutes cruel and unusual punishment. The decision is yours, but it's probably better just to take an aspirin instead.

Still feel like crap? You can read even more hangover tips while you wait for your head to stop pounding.