We all know the game of choosing the right setting to meet someone to talk. Lunch is too rushed, dinner is too formal, and "drinks" are too loud and crowded. When you want to impress a guest (or a number of ‘em), and darn it, pizza and brews just don't cut it, don't forget -- there is a reason High Tea has remained the Queen of Alternative Events for centuries. And we aren't talkin' merely brewing up a pot -- we mean the big ol' High Tea Experience.

You may be saying -- "But I don't have nearly enough cats," or "...and just when my bonnet and parasol are in the shop!" Come on. What is more stimulating than entertaining uniquely? Plus, you don't have to worry about $3.79 a cup from some beatnik wannabe in a smock. And if you think you are alone, get this fact:

As you read this, 20 million cups of tea are being sipped in England (assuming it takes you a full day to read this).

So, get in touch with your inner Anglophile, and let's see how it's done...

1. SET A TIME AND CREATE THE ATMOSPHERE

When?

Debated much more than it seems it should be is: "What is the official time for tea?"

It is 4:00 PM. That's it. End of discussion. Four. If you want to get saucy, High Tea may technically be taken at any afternoon time, and may be used as a replacement for supper. This is so, because a bit more food is served at High Tea than at Afternoon Tea (if food's what you are after, we'll get to that in 4. Select food to accompany the tea). High Tea Time is more malleable to allow for the best time for your guests to be free, and so you'll have extra time for cricket, or Imperialism, or whatever it is you need to do that day.

Aahhh…a pleasant atmosphere

As important as time is atmosphere. Set aside an area of your house - or apartment, or box, or whatever - that will be roomy and private. Of course, comfy chairs are a must, set about a centrally located table ...you know, for the tea and stuff. Splurge and get some seasonal flowers. Arrange them so you and your company can be surrounded by and see them, but do not have to work around them. Use doilies under your plates, bowls, cups, and so on. Got a particularly nice tablecloth you don't mind liberating? Some attractive napkins yearning to be seen? Use them. Also, choosing pleasant music fills the air in ways smells and sights cannot. Lean toward (perhaps wordless) tunes that accentuate relaxed conversation, and steer away from the intrusive. So -- Mozart...O.K., Busta Rhymes...not so good. We like a little Jethro Tull ourselves, but our guests may be a little different than yours.

2. OBTAIN THE PROPER EQUIPMENT

The things you'll need to serve tea are also an important part of the atmosphere. The objects you use can greatly complement the music and decor you've chosen. First, the teapot is the centerpiece of the event. It is the mothership, if you will, where all of the tea resides in order to steep (gain its potency). Most connoisseurs go for the ceramic type, often decorated with flowers or other dainty designs. The most popular kind is the stout, plain brown pot called (if you want to be up on the lingo) the "Brown Betty." You can find teapots at many tea-friendly shops as well as on-line.

Naturally, you will need enough teacups and saucers, teaspoons, dessert plates, dessert forks and spoons, spreading knives, and cocktail napkins for your guests. You may lay these out at every seat place, or you can provide them at a side station.

A creamer for cream or milk (whichever type you feel is appropriate, be it whole, half-and-half or whatnot), and a sugarbowl with its own spoon are indispensable. In addition to all of these, the appropriate bowls or plates on which you spread your desserts, sandwiches, or even ice cream goes without saying. O.K., we just did.

Oh, and whether you have inherited a full teaset from Gramama Floogen-Flagle, or you've got mismatched knicknacks, don't sweat it…unless you're planning on Martha Stewart dropping on by, don't worry about your accessories – they'll give the tea personality. Smack anyone who says otherwise.

3. CHOOSE SOME TEAS

The most important element of a High Tea is...of course...the Tea, itself. There are as many varieties of tea as those zany Tea Masters can conjure up. You can offer anywhere from "Orange Pekoe" (which is what you get when you order regular tea anywhere), to something along the lines of "Fruity Enlightenment Wafting Plum Mint Medley" or some other such nonsense. When serving tea, it is always best to offer as many different types as you can get your hands on, and let your guest(s) choose. If everyone agrees that a particular one will be delightful, then stick that in your Brown Betty. If not, give each his or her own, and let the teapot keep the water.

Tea comes in two forms. Loose Tea, popular with men of ill-repute, can be purchased in bags like ground coffee, and looks like fine or lumpy tobacco. Tea Balls or teabags are the familiar packets of thin, white paper surrounding a cup's worth of tea.

If you go for the loose tea, and your guests do differ in taste, another important thing you'll need is a tea infuser for each guest. These are the small, steel or silver balls that have many holes and are on chains. They actually come in many different types, but generally look like a large, spherical salt shaker top with a thin chain. You pack the loose tea in one (they're hollow -- did we mention that?), close it, and hang it in the teacup for the steeping.

4. SELECT FOOD TO ACCOMPANY THE TEA

What makes High Tea a bit more than grabbing a "hot cup o' the bud" as roguish tea drinkers say, is the food.

Light snacks, desserts, maybe a small, hot dish

The food served at tea is generally light snacks and desserts - basically, anything that can be held in between the finger and thumb. You can save your baked ziti or rack of lamb for a nice backyard wedding.

If late enough, a small, hot dish may be served, but in general (and especially in warmer months) all dishes are served cold. We do hope that we don't have to specify that does NOT mean leaving a hot dish out until it becomes sufficiently cold.

There are many recipes for all of the edible elements you can employ. Game, chicken, and/or ham is popular as a spread or as finger sandwiches, as are salads and fresh fruit. The delicacies that are most associated with teas are the sweets. Various cakes, breads, fruit tarts, custards, cream puffs, and anything that would make Charles Dickens twitter are appropriate, nay, demanded. Demanded like figgy pudding. Use a bit of each, and display the foods in the sort of presentation that you think will receive gasps. Of joy.

Again…scones and jam…good. Snickers bars…mmm…no.

5. INVITE YOUR GUESTS

So, you've got the time free, the open space to sit, the lovely atmosphere, the things you need to make and drink cups of tea, and snacks to munch on. The last element is...your guests. The key to this whole enterprise is relaxation and conversation. You've made an ambience that is conducive to Zen-tastic discourse, so enjoy it along with your company. Perhaps you would like five or six guests, perhaps only one. Heck, perhaps the most pleasant company is just yourself.

In any event, once the guests arrive, think Lewis Carroll -- read some poetry, catch up on old times, do a little dance, play a word game, or simply talk. You can start like this:

You: "Why, Terry, speaking of tea…did you know that tea is the second most poop-u-lahhh beverage on the planet?" [which is true, by the way]

Guest: "Why, Bushrod, I certainly did not. My goodness. What, pray tell (rolling the ‘r' in ‘pray') is the most poop-u-lahhh beverage on the planet?"

You: "Well, my good [man or lady (predetermined)]…it is woo-tah, of course!"

Then you both guffah gutterally: "Mmm-hoh, hoh, hoh," or giggle: "Tee-hee-hee" depending on your preference, and sip your tea.

After all, that's what you did all of this for in the first place. Don't forget that. So sit back and enjoy these relaxing moments brought to you by your friends at SYW.

Cheers!