3. ADMIT THAT YOU LIKE THE FIGHTING

The NHL isn't sure whether it likes fighting or not; on the one hand, they don't want to generate a barbaric image for shiny, happy TV-land, but on the other hand, they know that these are decadent times and the people want to see violence. We do not suffer from such uncertainty. We know that we like the fights, and you might as well go ahead and admit that you like them, too.

In the olden days, hockey players used to fight a lot more, and they fought because they were genuinely so pissed off at each other that they wanted to see blood. Nearly all players fought, including the star players, and nobody really worried too much about the occasional bench-clearing brawl or a trip to the infirmary for fifty stitches. With expansion, however, the league started thinking it might want to appeal to fans who were not quite so keen on blood (we believe there are several nuns who fit this description), and they instituted more controls on fighting.

Nowadays, fighting is more of a side show and less frequently a genuine display of emotion and intensity. Usually, each team will have one or more designated goons (big, nasty guys who fight a lot), and if there is a lull in the action these goons will often agree with each other that it's time for them to have a fight and get everyone fired up. We don't think there's anything wrong with this sort of side show action. These guys are well paid and they put on a good show. And there are still real fights. Hockey is a very difficult game and a very frustrating game, and players can easily get under each other's skins. It's great to see these tough, intense guys show some heart and blow off some steam.

Here's how the rules of fighting work: if a player skates up to another player, whips off his gloves and punches him, the other player will almost always begin to punch back. The player who started it will get a two-minute-instigator penalty and both players will get offsetting fighting major penalties. The result is that the instigator's team has to kill off a penalty. Sometimes a player will not fight back, and will, instead, crumple to the ice with his hands over his head. This is called "turtling." Guys who turtle are looked upon with the utmost scorn, first because they are wimps, and second because players almost never go up and start punching a guy unless he deserves it for some cheap shot he committed earlier. It's bad enough to cheap-shot somebody, but it's much worse not to admit it when someone comes to make you pay for your cheap-shot. In this case the punching player will receive a major penalty, and the turtling player will receive universal derision.

The more common sort of fight is where two players get angry with each other or otherwise decide they want to fight. They start jawing at each other and giving each other macho signals until they're both sure they want to go, and then they drop sticks and gloves, grab on, and start punching. The dropping of the gloves is the surefire signal that fighting has begun. You can often punch a guy once or twice with your glove on and get away with nothing or just a two-minute roughing call. But once the gloves are off, you're going to sit for five minutes so you might as well hurt the guy. Once the fight starts, all the other players who don't get involved in fights of their own (often many fights will break out simultaneously) must skate over to the bench and get out of the way. The linesmen then circle around and let the fighters go at it for a while until one starts to get the best of it or one goes down. Then the linesmen go in and break up the fight, and the fighters skate over to their respective penalty boxes. In this sort of fight, both players are assessed offsetting major penalties, both teams continue to skate at full strength, the crowd and the players get fired up, and all is well.

Ah, hockey! What other sport can compare?

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