There's no better way to make a play for someone than to offer him/her a nice massage. How could anyone turn away your affections when you're sensually caressing their back, forcing the tension out of their life, and licking their ear? OK, so ear-licking isn't required, but a good massage can still give you tons of brownie points in an impending relationship.

Unfortunately, giving an effective professional-level therapeutic massage is something that requires training and years of practice. You probably don't want to go through that (and neither do we). However, we can provide you with some simple techniques that will aid you in providing someone with a safe, simple, and satisfying massage. You can also watch an expert give a massage from head to toe at

Sadly, the massage techniques we provide are of limited therapeutic value. The recipients of your massages will not regain the use of atrophied muscles, but they will become relaxed, their muscles will feel more pliable, endorphins will be released, and circulation will be improved. So you still might get lucky.

For more advanced techniques, skip the verbage and check out how to give a massage with this video.



When preparing a body for a massage, you should pay particular attention to four things:

  • The support surface: When you give a massage, it is best for the recipient to be on a firm, supportive, and comfortable surface. A futon or extra-firm mattress is ideal. However, a couch or a soft mattress is less suitable because it can buckle and fail to support the body in certain places, putting unsafe pressure on joints.

  • Your own space: You will need room for yourself because if you sit in a funny position while giving the massage, your limbs might fall asleep. So keep a pillow handy to give you support when you need it. Also make sure that if the recipient is not lying against a wall and that you have free access to straddle his/her back when necessary.

  • Atmosphere: You want your victim to relax completely, so you need to remove things that might be irritating. Ex-husbands, kids, dogs, crazy nuns, feral midgets, whatever. Drown out street noise with some mellow music, turn off harsh lighting and replace it with candles, and hire a bouncer named Bruno to guard the door and make sure that no one enters.

  • The recipient's clothing (or lack thereof): Your victim should be naked during the massage. If the recipient doesn't feel comfortable with being nude in front of you, a good sturdy pair of underpants will not seriously impair your ability to perform any of the techniques described in this article. If you are massaging a woman, she should lie down on her front the whole time so that you have unhindered access to her back while she maintains Victorian propriety. A bra or bikini strap makes a lot of these techniques difficult but not impossible, so if it has to be there, work around it.