There's no better way to make a play for someone than to offer him/her a nice massage. How could anyone turn away your affections when you're sensually caressing their back, forcing the tension out of their life, and licking their ear? OK, so ear-licking isn't required, but a good massage can still give you tons of brownie points in an impending relationship.

Unfortunately, giving an effective professional-level therapeutic massage is something that requires training and years of practice. You probably don't want to go through that (and neither do we). However, we can provide you with some simple techniques that will aid you in providing someone with a safe, simple, and satisfying massage. You can also watch an expert give a massage from head to toe at

Sadly, the massage techniques we provide are of limited therapeutic value. The recipients of your massages will not regain the use of atrophied muscles, but they will become relaxed, their muscles will feel more pliable, endorphins will be released, and circulation will be improved. So you still might get lucky.

For more advanced techniques, skip the verbage and check out how to give a massage with this video.



When preparing a body for a massage, you should pay particular attention to four things:

  • The support surface: When you give a massage, it is best for the recipient to be on a firm, supportive, and comfortable surface. A futon or extra-firm mattress is ideal. However, a couch or a soft mattress is less suitable because it can buckle and fail to support the body in certain places, putting unsafe pressure on joints.

  • Your own space: You will need room for yourself because if you sit in a funny position while giving the massage, your limbs might fall asleep. So keep a pillow handy to give you support when you need it. Also make sure that if the recipient is not lying against a wall and that you have free access to straddle his/her back when necessary.

  • Atmosphere: You want your victim to relax completely, so you need to remove things that might be irritating. Ex-husbands, kids, dogs, crazy nuns, feral midgets, whatever. Drown out street noise with some mellow music, turn off harsh lighting and replace it with candles, and hire a bouncer named Bruno to guard the door and make sure that no one enters.

  • The recipient's clothing (or lack thereof): Your victim should be naked during the massage. If the recipient doesn't feel comfortable with being nude in front of you, a good sturdy pair of underpants will not seriously impair your ability to perform any of the techniques described in this article. If you are massaging a woman, she should lie down on her front the whole time so that you have unhindered access to her back while she maintains Victorian propriety. A bra or bikini strap makes a lot of these techniques difficult but not impossible, so if it has to be there, work around it.


We admit it: we gave this step a saucy title to get you to continue reading this SYW. Nonetheless, any good massage requires you to apply a small amount of lubricant to keep your recipient's skin from rubbing and kneading, so that the pressure can be applied to the muscles underneath the skin. You have roughly 4 options for lubrication:

  • Vegetable oil: Yes, you can use just about any vegetable oil as massage oil. Don't get anything fancy; just yank down that crusty utility jug of Mazola and dip your fingers in. However, cooking oils can have a slightly food-y odor (imagine that!) that some people find offensive.

  • Talcum powder: Talcum powder doesn't work as well as oils because it absorbs less friction. However, some people really hate the feeling of having oil or other sticky stuff on their skin. Any talc will work fine.

  • Water-based lubricants: Water-based lubricants are not always useful for massage. They are expensive and extremely sticky when they dry. KY Jelly, for example, dries quite quickly when exposed to air and is not of much help as a massage lubricant. KY Liquid, Astroglide, or other slicker lubricants dry more slowly and absorb more friction, so they are better choices. One note: if you plan (or hope) to have sex after the massage, you should using a water-based lubricant because the oils on the skin will make your condom more likely to break.

  • Massage oil: While you might not have massage oil sitting around your home like you would the other three options, it is the best lubricant to use. You can purchase scented or unscented oil. You can also buy oil-based scented massage bars that look like big pieces of fudge. Rub them on the hands or skin and they grease you up and smell real good.

To apply, place a small amount of lubricant in your hands and gently rub it on your recipient's back, shoulders, and lower neck. Don't get everything too wet and drippy (if the oil drips doen the side of his/her back, it might stain the surface on which the recipient is laying). If you are using oil or water-based lubricants, make sure you warm them up in your hands before you apply them to the victim's skin; cold oil on skin is not relaxing.


Now that you're all greased up, it's time to get down and dirty and touch your victim's body. The first massage move we're going to teach you is called "the fan stroke," a relatively gentle move that prepares the muscles for deeper massage.

  1. Kneel beside or astride your victim, who should be lying on his or her front in a comfortable position.

  2. Place the palms of your hands flat on either side of the spine just above the hips.

  3. Applying light pressure on both sides of the spine (NEVER put pressure directly on the spine), slide your hands slowly forward until they reach the shoulder blades.

  4. Next, move your hands in a curve that takes them over the shoulder blades to the shoulders and then back along the sides of the rib cage to their starting positions.

  5. Repeat this several times, applying slightly more pressure as you continue.

  6. Your fingers should always be facing more or less in the same direction (that is, in the direction of the back of your victim's head).

  7. Apply pressure with your whole hand, with the bulk of the pressure coming from the heel of the hand on the way forward and from the fingers on the way back.

  8. Try to make the motion a smooth curve with each hand tracing a tear drop shape on its side of the back (with the fat part at the top of the motion).

This fan stroke can be used in many areas, and it's a good default move to start with if you're not sure of what else to do. For example, if your victim is lying on his/her back, you can use the fan stroke on the front of the thighs, starting with your hands close together just above the knee. You can also use it on the upper torso, starting with the hands on the stomach and moving up over the collarbone and back. It can also be used on the backs of the thighs, the calves, the upper back and shoulders (starting just below the shoulder blades), and pretty much anywhere else you can fit your hands and perform the motion. It can be as small or as big a motion as you want it to be.

Note that the massages we're teaching you, we're only dealing with the back; we leave it to you to transfer the moves to other parts of the body as you practice.


This is another relaxing and pleasant move that isn't intended to apply much pressure; we're still building up to the deep muscle manipulation. The "circling hands" move requires you to trace semi-circles or circles on the body, which is simple enough, but the hands will alternate on the way around the circle. This feels good because the point of pressure keeps shifting subtly during the motion.

  1. To start, place your right hand flat on the lower back, perpendicular to the victim's spine, with your fingers on the left side of the body.

  2. Begin to move your hand counterclockwise (toward the spine) slowly, while pressing, in a semicircular motion. Don't turn your hand--your fingers should be pointing in the same direction throuhgout the move.

  3. When your right hand has moved a few inches, quickly and seamlessly remove it and replace it with the left hand. You should perform this replacement by placing the left hand on the trailing edge of the right hand, so that it is resting partly on the right hand and partly on the body, and then removing the right hand when the left hand is ready to take over. Then move that hand for a couple of inches and replace it with the right hand.

  4. Do this slowly, firmly, and smoothly until the hands have traced about a half circle (the left hand has ended up on the victim's left side, perpendicular to the spine, and about halfway up the back).

  5. With the left hand still resting on the body at the "end" of the half circle, place the right hand back on the starting point and repeat the motion.

  6. Do this until you become comfortable with the motion and then begin to move to other parts of the back.

This movement is not as versatile as the other movements described in this article, so don't worry if you find there are only a few places you can use it. You need a fair amount of smooth surface to do it, so the back, shoulders, stomach, and upper chest are probably your only options. It might seem a little strange, but it feels really cool. You can vary the speed, too, once you get used to it, doing it with a quick fluidity or a slow, rhythmic pressure.



Kneading is what you do already when people ask you to give them neckrubs. You grab on to the sides of the neck and squeeze rhythmically for approximately 30 seconds, all the while smiling at your partner. These neckrubs are nice, but they usually aren't very inspiring. Now that you've got your victim's whole back in front of you, take advantage of the opportunity to knead any muscles you can find. Here are some tips:

  • The muscles around the shoulders and lower neck are particularly receptive to this treatment, but be cautious around the neck - don't apply pressure directly to the spine at any time.

  • Try to squeeze the flesh with your whole hand, being responsive to the muscles you're trying to reach and any feedback or body language from your victim.

  • Don't pinch the flesh.

  • Don't try to do much kneading where the skin is tight over the rib cage or on the sides.

  • The secret is to go slowly and to knead the muscles, not the skin.


Milking is a specialized form of kneading which uses both hands to grab onto a single large muscle group or patch of skin. Once you have the flesh in your hands, you squeeze with one hand and then the other, alternating rhythmically and rolling the flesh around while you do it. This works well on the shoulders, upper arms, thighs, and calves. Again, don't pinch and don't try to grab up a bunch of flesh on the ribs, shoulder blades, or sides.

These movements are versatile and they are the deepest massage you will do. They allow you to work deep into the muscles, which should have been relaxed by your earlier moves. Continue to knead and milk the flesh until you feel that your victim has had enough or your hands are too tired to go on.


Now that you've done the hard, useful part of the massage, it's time to do the easy, fun part. Why bother with the hard part? Because it relaxes the muscles, increases blood flow, and prepares the body for more. So don't skip those basics once you learn this fun stuff.

Of course, "raking" isn't just fun. It also stretches out the kneaded muscles which ball into knots during your victim's miserable life, making them feel like happy, functioning muscles for a brief time. It also feels great:

  1. Starting with your hands resting on the shoulders, arch your hands so that only your fingertips are touching the body.

  2. Do not allow your fingernails to rake the body, unless your victim specifically requests it and you promise not to tell us about it. Just allow the fleshy parts of your fingertips to press deep into the muscles.

  3. Then - you guessed it - drag your fingertips slowly and smoothly down the body, raking the muscles in the shoulders, shoulder blades and back all the way down to the lower back.

  4. Remember not to put any pressure on the spine. Rake on either side of the spine, but not on it.

  5. This feels great on the back, but it also works just about anywhere else. The sides of the neck, the arms, the legs, the chest, and even the stomach (if your victim is not too ticklish) are great places to try this technique.

  6. Repeat until you think you're about ready to quit massaging, because this is the second last move you will do, and the last real pressure you'll apply.


At this point you have essentially finished the massage. The muscles have been warmed up by the fan strokes and circling hands, they've been kneaded and milked to work out the kinks and get the blood flowing, and they've been raked for further circulatory benefit and to stretch the muscles. What else could your victim want? Well, "feather touches" are a nice way of bringing the massage to the end.

  1. After you perform your last raking motion, put your hands back up at the shoulders and rest them there for a second.

  2. Draw your fingers slowly and gently down the back, not applying any pressure at all. Just allow your fingers to run over the skin.

  3. Then start tracing little patterns, circles, figure eights, or whatever. This is a tender, closing ritual that says: "I'm exhausted and you're not getting any more massaging, but I'm giving you a minute to get used to the idea before I stop touching you."

  4. After a minute or two, allow your fingers to come to a rest and just stay motionless until one of you speaks and breaks the spell. We don't want to get all mystical on you (you can do that on your own time), but when a massage is done right it creates a pretty special atmosphere and feeling, and you don't want to bust it up haphazardly.

In closing, we want to provide you with two pieces of advice that are easy to remember:

  1. From the moment you first touch your victim at the beginning of the massage, you should never stop touching him/her until the massage is finished. Even if you have to grab some more oil or re-light a candle, make sure that one hand, a knee, or even a foot is still in contact with the body.

  2. The more responsive you are to the nature of your victim's body, muscles, and reactions, the better your massages will be. Try closing your eyes and imagining what is happening inside the muscles you are manipulating, and other similarly flakey stuff. It works, and if you really get into it the massage will be more fun for you, too.