Okay, friend, the fun's over. No more hacking coughs, no more shelling out money to Big Tobacco day after day, no more shortness of breath, and no more social alienation. How do you give all this up? That's what we're here to tell you.

1. CONSIDER CHEMICAL TREATMENTS

Chemical treatments tend to be the most effective, because they do the most to alleviate the physical addiction to nicotine. Natural treatments tend to alleviate only the psychological addiction (the habit) which is powerful but less disabling and painful. You should always discuss chemical treatments with your doctor before you use them to quit smoking, as they can all have side effects on certain users. Read up on the following products, and if one appeals to you and it's okay with your doctor, strap it on. If they all look too scary, go on to section 2 and look at some alternatives.
  1. Zyban
  2. Nicotine patches
  3. Nicotine gum
  4. Nicotine inhalers & nasal sprays

Zyban

Zyban is the marketing name for the antidepressant drug bupropion hydrochloride. These are basically happy pills for the ex-smoker, which are intended to lessen or eliminate the withdrawal symptoms associated with quitting smoking. To use Zyban, you start taking the pills a week or two before you quit smoking so they have a chance to start working. Then you simply stop smoking and try to feel happy. Zyban is only available by prescription, and it should not be used with any other antidepressant drugs. You must be sure to tell your doctor about any other medications you are using when you ask him or her to prescribe Zyban for you.

If you do talk to your doctor about Zyban, be sure to ask him or her about the potential side effects associated with the drug. We're not saying it's any worse than any other drug, but we're not talking about herbal tea here and it's always best to be informed.

Nicotine Patches

These are the kings of the nicotine replacement game. They are small, self-adhesive patches that you stick on your skin so that nicotine can enter your bloodstream at a steady rate all day. When you smoke or use other nicotine replacement therapies, you get a "spike" of high nicotine level in your blood, which then lowers until you feel the need to take another dose and top up your nicotine levels. The patch just keeps you at a steady level all the time and gets you accustomed to that without expecting to have occasional high levels. Patches come in different strengths, and you go from the strongest one you need to the weakest available, and then stop using them altogether.

The advantages of nicotine patches are that they provide you with a steady supply of nicotine without your having to think about it; they work in any situation (although you can't wear them in swimming pools or while bathing, but most of us don't feel particularly tempted to smoke then, anyway); and they provide a strong deterrent to smoking because if you smoke while you are wearing one or for hours after taking one off, you could suffer symptoms of nicotine overdose, such as death.

The disadvantages of nicotine patches are that they are relatively expensive; they can irritate the skin on which they are placed; they cause you to have weird dreams and not sleep very well if you wear them after you go to bed; if you don't wear them after you go to bed it can be a bit rough in the morning before you get a patch on and it starts working; and, if you are dumb and you smoke while you are wearing a patch or shortly after removing one, you could suffer symptoms of nicotine overdose, such as death.

Nicotine Gum

Nicotine gum helps you quit by providing you with a source of nicotine apart from smoking. It comes in different strengths (usually 4mg or 2mg of nicotine per piece), which you choose from based on how much you smoke. Nicotine gum, like any nicotine replacement therapy, allows you to deal with the physical component of addiction over a longer period of time with less drastic withdrawal symptoms.

The advantages of nicotine gum are that you can take it when you need it (so long as you don't exceed the amount suggested by the directions), so that you can cut down on your nicotine as quickly or as slowly as you want; it is relatively inexpensive; and it provides some oral gratification of its own to replace the cigarettes.

The disadvantages are that you can't chew it while drinking soda or alcoholic beverages, so it's no good to you in a bar; it can make you feel sick if you chew it too fast; and it takes a long time for it to work, so if you wait for too long between pieces you can become extremely irritable while waiting for the piece you're chewing to affect you.

Nictotine Inhalers and Nasal Sprays

These work on much the same principle as the gum, but they are different in design. Nicotine inhalers are shaped like little cigarettes, and when you suck on them they release a mist of nicotine stuff into your lungs. The nasal spray is like the product you use for nasal congestion; you just pump it into your nostril and it sprays nicotine stuff up there.

The advantages of these are that they work much more quickly than the gum; they can be used in any situation and whenever they are needed (within the constraints set by the package directions); and the inhaler is very much like a cigarette, so it makes a good replacement.

The disadvantages are that they can have many side effects like burning of the nasal tissues or throat, stomach ache, nausea, etc.; they are more expensive than the gum; and, finally, the inhaler might be too good of a replacement, as it's quite a bit like continuing to smoke.

2. CONSIDER NATURAL TECHNIQUES

Cutting Down

This "method" can be of questionable usefulness, as it is usually just a way of putting off quitting for real. However, some people do use it systematically and intelligently as a way of preparing themselves to quit cold turkey or by some other method. It's just difficult to do so without some kind of plan and the resolve to stick to it.

There is an electronic device marketed under the name "Life Sign" which provides just such a plan and helps you to follow it. It is like a pager which you carry around with you at all times. For the first week or so you just carry the device and smoke normally, pressing a button to inform it whenever you smoke. Then it gets used to your smoking habits and, when you want to start cutting down, it begins to tell you when to smoke by beeping at you. It gradually cuts down the amount you smoke, and it is also purported to break the psychological addiction by removing your usual cues for smoking and replacing them entirely with beeping. It is simple conditioning, and the idea is that when the thing stops beeping you won't feel as inclined to smoke. If this sounds good to you, you can get more information in our related products section.

We are also pleased to provide you with a pauper's version of that plan, which was designed by the sharp thinkers at the SoYouWanna.net laboratory (note: there is no such place). It comes in a 40-day plan or a 20-day plan, and you can choose how long you want to take to cut your smoking down to nil. For the 40-day plan, you purchase two cartons of smokes and one pack. For the first two days, you allot yourself a pack a day (20 cigarettes) to smoke, and any that you don't smoke you throw away, give to your roommate, or flush down the toilet, but you keep the empty packs. For the next two days, you allot yourself 19 cigarettes per day, taking one out of each pack and putting it in one of the packs you saved. For the two days after that, you smoke 18, etc., until you get down to the last two days with one cigarette on each day, after which you will quit.

You will need to write down on your calendar how many cigarettes you are supposed to be having each day, and you have to start out each day with that number of cigarettes in a pack and end each day with none. You give cigarettes away at your peril and you don't bum any off other people or you're cheating. Over the 40 days you will smoke 420 cigarettes, which is why you need two cartons and a pack. The 20 day plan is identical except that you cut down your allotted cigarettes by one each day instead of every other day. For this plan, you need 210 cigarettes, or one carton and a half-pack (toss the other half of the pack). We have no statistics on how well this method works, so let us know how it turns out if you give it a try.

Cold Turkey

We have no idea why quitting without any smoking cessation aids or method is called "cold turkey." It is, though, and so we will continue to use the unusual term. Quitting cold turkey is extremely difficult because most of us have lives that require us to function as somewhat normal human beings for most of the day. When you are suffering through the initial five days of craziness without nicotine, you will feel more like an angry, rabid bear than a human, and you will be about as fit company for other humans. Here are some things you can do to make quitting cold turkey difficult as opposed to impossible:

  • smoke until your last day of work or school, and then begin quitting on the weekend (or whatever days you have off).
  • indulge in other things you like, to the point of foolishness if you feel like it, during the first few days.
  • sleep a lot and watch a lot of TV.
  • avoid situations that frustrate you – you won't deal with frustration very well.
  • avoid any place where people will be smoking.
  • call people whom you know well enough to impose upon and complain to them about how lousy you feel.
  • keep a lot of your favorite non-alcoholic drinks on hand. You will probably feel very thirsty, you'll want to replace the oral gratification of cigarettes with something, and drinking fluids helps to flush the nicotine out of your system faster.
  • have something to do with your hands and/or your mouth. If you like chewing gum, chew it, if you like ripping apart action figures, do so.
  • remember that you're one cigarette away from failure.

These hints apply to some degree to every method of quitting smoking, but if you quit cold turkey you need all the help you can get.

3. DO NOT WASTE YOUR MONEY ON THE FOLLOWING METHODS

Acupuncture and Laser Therapy

These are bogus wastes of money and time (don't ever accuse us of mincing words). The idea is that they are supposed to calm you down, by targeting special pressure points with either needles or lasers, so that you don't feel bad about not smoking. There is no evidence that they provide anything apart from a placebo effect, and we just ruined that by telling you they're bogus. We don't think that acupuncture doesn't work at all; we just don't believe it works to help you quit smoking. Dr. Dean Edell, M.D., describes an experiment in which researchers provided two groups of quitting smokers with either real acupuncture therapy, where they placed needles in the accepted pressure points, or fake acupuncture, where they placed needles in random places. There was no difference in quitting success between the two groups. You can draw your own conclusions, but we're sticking with our "it's a load of crap" assertion.

Hypnosis

We are extremely skeptical about the efficacy of hypnosis for quitting smoking or anything at all. There is no evidence to suggest that hypnosis has provided anything but a placebo effect in a smoking cessation program. It might be nice just to have a friendly hypnotist to talk to and from whom to receive encouragement and support. We don't believe, however, that hypnotists have the ability to plant subconscious suggestions which reduce your desire to smoke. We tried hard to find some research on the issue, but the hypnotists only offer lame-o "personal testimonials" and no medical researchers seem to have taken it seriously enough to study its effects. We highly recommend this method for the rich and gullible.

4. PREPARE YOURSELF EMOTIONALLY

Whatever method you choose, you need to prepare yourself emotionally to quit. This section probably should have gone first, but we wanted to let you know your options before we steeled you for action.
  1. Convince yourself that you want to quit
  2. Be prepared for the pain
  3. Pick the right time to quit
  4. Pamper yourself

Convince yourself that you want to quit

Write out a list of pros and cons which examines how smoking enhances your life and how it detracts from it. A realistic and comprehensive list of pros and cons will almost certainly show you that continuing to smoke is a really bad idea, and that a rational person would want to stop. That's obvious to most people, but if you think you might want to quit you should reflect on everything that is unpleasant and harmful about smoking until you decide you don't care or you develop a strong desire to quit. If don't have such a desire, you can have quit-smoking aids sticking out of every orifice, nicotine patches stuck all over you, and hypnotists following you around everywhere you go and you will still fail.

Be prepared for the pain

There are two components to nicotine addiction: the psychological component and the physical component. The psychological component is the habits and routine you have built around smoking, and it takes a long, long time to go away. For some people, it never really goes away, and there will always be times where they will feel a slight nagging like something is missing (or, more plainly, an urgent desire to have a goddamn cigarette). The physical component is the body's dependence on nicotine, and this takes much less time to go away but its effects are painful and difficult to withstand. Reports vary, with some saying that it takes three days for the body to rid itself of nicotine and dispense with the physical component, while others say it takes as much as a week. We think it takes five days. If that doesn't sound like a long time to you, just wait until you try it. Most people feel physically ill, anxious, restless, angry, and so tempted to smoke that they have to restrain themselves from lunging at passing smokers.

The initial five days of craziness is our general rule for just about any quit-smoking method, but the five days are particularly painful if you quit cold turkey. The psychological and physical components of the addiction work on you day and night, and it can be really difficult not to smoke. We're not trying to scare you off – you should definitely try to quit – we just want to prepare you for the fact that it is not going to be any fun at all.

Pick the right time to quit

For example, if you are a student and you are about to have final exams, you should probably wait until after you've walked out of your last exam and partied your brains out that night before you settle down and quit. Look at your calendar, think about what stressful events you have coming up, and pick a day which leaves you at least three weeks between major crises. You're going to have to deal with crises all your life, and this will not change after you quit smoking. However, it would be best to have a relatively smooth patch of three weeks or so to get over the really rough initial quitting period. You must NOT use this as an excuse to never begin -- we're talking MAJOR stress-filled events here -- quitting a job, final exams, planning a wedding, etc. Indeed, those three events were about all we could think of that would not make any time the "right time." If you find yourself "waiting for the right time" more than ONCE, or for more than a couple weeks, you're stalling. Don't stall. You're only screwing yourself. But you know that, and that's why you're reading this article.

Pamper yourself

In order to boost your resolve, we suggest that you treat yourself nicely in return for not smoking. Spend the money you would otherwise spend on cigarettes on some useless but pleasing crap that you've always wanted. Take yourself out to nice restaurants that don't allow smoking. Feel better about yourself, because you aren't a filthy, heathen smoker cowering out in front of your office building anymore. Now you just stand around wondering what the hell people do on breaks if they don't smoke.

It's also a good idea to begin exercising, because if you have a good exercise program going it makes you feel a lot better about yourself and it really starts to make smoking seem absurd. If you're getting up at 7:00 a.m. to drag your lazy ass to aerobics before you go to work, you're going to feel pretty stupid about counteracting your hard work by smoking later on in the day.

There are lots of other pieces of advice that might be helpful; ask successful quitters you know to share their experiences and tactics. Even if they don't have anything useful to say, they can be comforting when you're having a nic fit. We will simply close with a pithy little platitude: You're one cigarette away from a pack a day. Be strong.