OK, OK, everything is perfect. The lights are nicely dimmed in the lovely restaurant in which you are now sitting. A violin is playing in the background. You are drinking a fine bottle of $30 wine. You're ready to propose to your girlfriend, who is sitting just across the table, looking at you with eyes that say "ask me to marry you, you bastard!" So all you need is to pull out the ring, show it to her, and you're off to Tahiti for a happy honeymoon.

Or are you? Where did you get that engagement ring? Did you pick out the right one? Will she like it? Will it fit her? Did you get completely ripped off? Well, luckily for you, we here at SoYouWanna.net have performed extensive research on engagement rings and their ilk. Read on to find out exactly what steps you should take to buy the perfect engagement ring that'll put the honey in your moon.

Before we begin, remember that it's not absolutely required that a man give an engagement ring to a woman. In these modern, crazy times of ours, it's completely acceptable for a woman to give an engagement ring to a man, to exchange engagement gifts, to exchange posy rings (bands with inscriptions of love), or to get his and her matching tattoos. Really.

1. FIND OUT WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND LIKES

It has become extremely common for the woman to accompany the man in the purchase of an engagement ring. This is a great idea, because then you know she'll be happy with whatever ring she picks out. It takes all the pressure off you!

If the element of surprise is important to you, however, there are other good ways to begin your quest. For example, consider mentioning to the parents of your soon-to-be-wife that you will soon be proposing to their daughter. In the course of the conversation, you can ask what kind of ring they think she'd like. This kills two birds with one stone: you are seen as a polite, traditional young man for asking for their permission, and you get good info about what kind of ring to buy.

If you have a good reason to avoid entering into any dialogue with your future in-laws (e.g., they are bitter because you killed their dog), then talk to her female friends. If you and your girlfriend have been serious about each other for a while, then the chances are good that your she and her friends have discussed marriage, and along with it, rings. Also, women generally know more about rings than men. Sexist? Yes. True? Yes. And if you can, take her best friend with you to the jewelry store for a second opinion.

2. FIND A GOOD JEWELRY STORE

The best way to do this is by asking around. Find some married friends and see where they got their engagement rings. There are always the old reliable jewelry stores, like Tiffany's, but don't feel pressured to go there. The most important thing is to make sure the jeweler is a member of the American Gem Corporation (AGC). This is a must! Otherwise, you might as well buy your engagement ring from Crazy Carl on the corner, whose display stand consists of a briefcase on a snack tray. By the way, when you are in the store, try to use professional lingo--terms like "point" or "VVS2" that are discussed below. This behavior will make the merchant more likely to take you seriously. After all, (s)he might think that you did some research on a classy website before your purchase.

3. DECIDE ON YOUR BUDGET

The diamond industry tries to convince you that a ring should cost you two months salary. If you want to go along with that, fine, but don't spend money just for the sake of spending money. If you see the perfect ring, but its price is less that two months of your salary, then just pretend like it cost more and pocket the difference. If, however, you are obsessed with tradition, use the "two-months-salary rule" as your guide.

Once you have decided on a ring, the most important thing to remember is this: NEGOTIATE. It's just like buying a car; you are expected to negotiate the price. In his book How To Buy a Diamond, Fred Cuellar explains, "when buying a diamond, keep in mind that the average jewelry store charges double what they should, so never pay sticker price." You may think that it's intimidating to go into a fancy jewelry store and haggle over the price. Fuggedaboudit. Jewelers are just car salesmen without the complimentary donuts.

4. CHOOSE A STONE

Get a diamond. Get a diamond. Get a diamond. Shut up, suck it up, and get her a diamond. Yes, yes, it's becoming trés fashionable to get other jewels, such as emeralds, sapphires, aquamarine, topaz, and tourmaline. But unless you are sure that she HATES diamonds, just play it safe and go for the diamond. Why? The same reason people buy bluejeans: it's traditional, and it matches everything. Many a little girl has gone to sleep at night dreaming about her first diamond ring. And think of it this way: you'll be contributing to an $18 billion per year business.

When buying a diamond, you are going to pay attention to four things: clarity, color, cut, and carat. These are wittily referred to as the 4 Cs. Do not buy a diamond unless it has been independently appraised for all four of these qualities. Why? Because jewelers LIE. So this is how you can be sure that your diamond is legit:

Make sure that the diamond has a "cert." This is a written document that lists the clarity, color, cut, and carat of the diamond, so you can know what you're buying. You know the cert is accurate, because it has been independently appraised by the GIA, IGI, EGL, or AGS (these are the only four acceptable appraisal organizations; look for the stamp on the cert). Don't concern yourself with what any of these letters stand for. All that matters is that the diamond must have been looked at by an unbiased pair of eyeballs, and appraised for the 4 Cs.

If the jeweler can't provide a legitimate cert for the diamond, then don't buy it under any circumstances until it has been appraised by an independent expert. For a referral to an independent appraiser in your area, call the International Gemological Institute at (212) 753-7100, and they'll take you through the steps of how to get a diamond appraised.

Now back to our 4 Cs: clarity, color, cut, and carat. For laypeople like us, these are the only clues we have for knowing whether we're getting ripped off or not. So read and memorize the shortcuts for each C that will make you a wary buyer.

Clarity

A diamond's clarity is the primary factor in determining its price. "Clarity" refers to how easily you can see any imperfections in the diamonds, be they on the surface ("blemishes") or inside the diamond ("inclusions"). Why does it matter? Because fewer flaws = more light reflected = more sparkle. And we all want the sparkliest diamond we can get.

The Gemological Institute of America (GIA), the organization which sets the worldwide standards for diamonds, set up a scale by which shmoes like you and me can judge a diamond's clarity. The scale goes like this: flawless, internally flawless, VVS1, VVS2, VS1, VS2, SI1, SI2, I1, I2, I3. Flawless diamonds mean that you can't see any imperfections under 10X magnification, and I3 diamonds are ones where Mr. Magoo would see the imperfections. So what does this mean? It means that when you go to the jeweler and ask about a diamond and (s)he tells you its clarity grade, you'll know what you're getting. Now here's the most important thing to know: unless you're an oil tycoon or want to blow a lot of cash, get a VS or SI diamond. While technically imperfect, you cannot tell these diamonds are flawed unless you look at them under a microscope. In fact, we bet that if you looked at a SI2 and VVS1 next to each other after they'd been set in a ring, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference. All that matters is that you think it's pretty.

Color

The color of a diamond ranges from colorless (clear) to a faint yellow. The more colorless the diamond, the more expensive it is (see previous statement about sparkliness). Now there are other types of diamonds that have color and are crazy expensive. There are red, green, and canary yellow diamonds. And don't forget that big blue diamond from the Titanic. But again, unless you're sure your bride-to-be wants one of those, it's better to stick with the traditional colorless diamond. Get the blue one for your first anniversary.

Remember our friends at the Gemological Institute of America? Well, they not only grade clarity, but they also grade color. Here's the scale:

  • DEF=colorless
  • GHIJ=near colorless
  • KLM=faint yellow
  • NOPQR=very light yellow
  • STUVWXYZ=light yellow
  • Fancy light, fancy, fancy internal=yellow

Whoever would've guessed that getting a D would be such good news? The closer you are to D, the more expensive the rock. For some reason, the scale starts at D; there are no A, B, or C diamonds. But could you tell the difference between a D and a J? Well, maybe. But only if they were loose, right next to each other, and you looked very, very hard. If they were both in rings, then probably not. In a nutshell: don't feel compelled to go for the D.

Cut

This is the diamond's shape. The most popular shapes are the 58-facet round cut and oval cut (which have 58 flat faces surrounding the flat top of the diamond). Not surprisingly, this means that the diamond looks round or like an oval when in the ring. Other interesting cuts include the princess cut and emerald cut (which are more square-looking). So when you go to look at rings, ask for a variety of cuts and see which you like best.

Now a lot of people forget about paying attention to the cut, instead focusing on clarity and color. But the cut is just as important as the clarity and color in determining a ring's sparkliness and price tag. For diamonds of the same size, about 1/3 of their value is clarity, 1/3 color, and 1/3 cut. Why is cut so important? Because the angles of a diamond's cut are a large factor in determining its sparkliness. For those of you who are not in the mood to hear a long explanation involving physics equations, here's what it boils down to: when light enters the ring, it goes in at a certain angle and bounces all around at other angles. These angles are what determines the sparkle. If the proportions are wrong, you can get a big, heavy diamond with no sparkle. And what fun is that? So how can you use your knowledge of a diamond's cut to your advantage? Well, it's difficult. A diamond with a good cut means that all the faces are in the right proportions to each other, and different shapes (emerald, oval, round) have different "perfect" angles. But the easiest way to estimate the cut is by the diamond's sparkle. The more sparkle, the better the cut and the greater the diamond's value.

Carat

This is how much the diamond weighs, which in turn determines its size. As cooking has ounces and pounds, and farming has bushels and pecks, diamonds use carats, points, and grains. 1 carat weighs .20 grams. But since diamonds almost never come out in nice round numbers (like 1.00 carat), jewelers use "points." 1 point = 1/100th of a carat, or if you prefer, 1 carat = 100 points. So if a diamond weighs 0.64 carat, you can say with great expertise (and, preferably, an English accent) that it weighs 64 points.

But how big is a carat? Well, a 50 point diamond (0.5 carat) is the size of a small pea. On the other end of the scale, Richard Burton gave Liz Taylor a 69 carat diamond (6900 points). It's the size of a golf ball. Veeeeeery practical. Scratch an itch, and take out an eye. Here's a little chart that compares a diamond's weight to how much it's worth, with all other things being equal (good clarity, color, and cut):

  • 0.5 carat, $1,500
  • 1.0 carat, $5,000
  • 1.5 carat, $8,700
  • 2.0 carat, $13,000
  • 3.0 carat, $22,000

Now think of points like pennies. 100 pennies to a dollar, and 100 points to a carat. A diamond's weight can also be measured using a term called a "grain." This is .25 a carat, or 25 points. It's exactly like a quarter to a dollar. For those of you who have not been keeping up: 1 carat = 100 points = 4 grains. Now imagine how smart you'd look if you went into a jewelry store and asked to look at a 5 grain diamond. We know. We know. You were told there'd be no math. We lied.

Don't worry though. Most of this carat/point/grain gobbledygook is not critical. It's just interesting to know. The only reason why you have to know about the carat is because it gives you a basis on which to compare diamonds. If you decide on the size of the diamond, then you can compare diamonds on the basis of clarity, color, and cut, and not worry about the size of the thing. If the diamonds you're perusing are all too pricey, it is better to move a notch down the carat scale and get a smaller diamond, than to get a crappier version of a big diamond. Unless of course, your girlfriend is obsessed with size. And we don't (nor do we want to) know her that well.

One last note: when comparing diamonds, always compare them loose, and not when they're in the ring. It's easier to see imperfections that way and make sure that you don't get screwed over. And once you've picked out the ring, make sure the jeweler "plots" (draws up) all of the imperfections on a piece of paper, so you can be sure that the ring you want is the ring you get.

5. CHOOSE A SETTING AND A BAND

OK, by this point, you've pulled all your hair out and you picked out the ice. Now all that's left is to decide on the setting and the band. Fortunately, this is much easier than picking out a diamond. Just go with what you think is pretty and what you think she'd like. This is when having one of her friends with you could be particularly handy; she might know her ring style. Some options for the setting include having the diamond jut out or ride low. If it juts out, it might snag on her cashmere sweater, but if it rides low, it's not as showy (and, therefore, what's the point?). Well, we said it before and we'll say it again: go with what you like. Other styles include the cluster, prong-solitaire, bar, gypsy, and channel settings. As for the band, usually it's gold, white gold, or platinum. It's a good idea to see what kind of jewelry she already has so that you can be sure it matches, but if you're completely clueless, silver is a safe bet. (Note: several of our readers have told us that silver looks too cheap. Our response: hey, you can't put a price on love anyway, so why try?)

And there you have it! Print this SYW out, take it with you to the jewelry store, and buy the perfect engagement ring. Once again, we reiterate that you don't have to spend so much that you have to sell a kidney. First find the one you like, then see how scary the price tag is, then bargain the jeweler down to a price you can afford (remembering that your first offer should be less than you're willing to spend, so that you can still afford the final offer), then propose to your sweetie!

Have a happy honeymoon!

PS- We're sure it'll last forever, but just in case, keep the receipt. Rings are returnable. Tattoos are not.