3. PICK YOUR PACKAGE

You've weighed the costs and benefits, constructed flowcharts and Venn diagrams, and then finally decided to flip a coin to pick your provider. Lazy bum. However, after the big toss, you still have some work to do. The next decision you'll have to make is what channel package to buy.

The two main things in this decision are channels offered and price. Sure, the companies will entice you with everything from free toasters to private trapeze lessons in order to pick the most expensive options, but be strong and shop smart.

DIRECTV package
DISH NETWORK package

DIRECTV package

What DIRECTV offers:

  • A huge range in package pricing; the cheapest package is only $22 per month, but you can spend $83 per month for the most lavish package. Falling in the middle of this range are packages with at least 100 channels, and these are about $50 per month.

  • Perhaps the best value that DIRECTV offers is its Total Choice package, which gives you about 100 channels for $32 per month.

  • One thing that may surprise you is that even with a satellite dish, premium channels such as HBO, Cinemax, Showtime, etc. still cost extra. (Those greedy bastards.) However, the good news for movie buffs is that with satellite television, getting HBO (or any other movie channel) actually means getting multiple HBOs (e.g. HBO Plus, HBO Family, etc.) all showing different movies. For example, DIRECTV offers a package with all the Total Choice channels, plus 5 HBOs, 4 STARZ!, 2 HBO Family, 8 Encore, 3 Cinemaxes, the Independent Film Channel, and the Sundance channel for $60 per month.

  • DIRECTV also offers some a la carte extras to purchase. One of these is the seasonal sports extras discussed above, and another offering is the Family Pack, which gives you about 10 family-oriented "educational" channels. So if your kids have officially deemed the TV their third parent, this is a good alternative (for only $5 per month).

  • This is just scratching the surface of all the channel offerings of DIRECTV (and they be offering special deals), so make sure you check out the DIRECTV website for the latest info.

DISH NETWORK package

What DISH NETWORK offers:

  • Not surprisingly, the prices for the channel packages are pretty similar to DIRECTV. The DISH NETWORK has three basic packages: 40, 100, or 150 channels. The line-up of channels is also pretty similar to DIRECTV.

  • The three packages above are $20, $30, and $40, respectively, per month. Pretty cheap, eh?

  • One snag is that these packages, even the "America's Top 150" package, do not include the premium movie channels.

  • We know what you're thinking: "No movie channels? Then how will I get to watch Stepdad II: Make Room for Daddy on Cinemax?" So you'll have to purchase a premium movie channel package. Prices for these packages run a little higher than DIRECTV, but they are more comprehensive. For example, 30 movie channels cost about $36 per month. Therefore, if you take the price of the highest basic package and add movie channels, you'll shell out around $80, just about the same as the most lavish DIRECTV package.

  • As always, it is best to investigate a little yourself, so poke around DISH NETWORK's website.
Regarding both providers, we must warn you that the 100 (or more) channel packages contain about 30 "music channels," or blank screens playing continuous music of a certain genre. So really, you're only getting about 70 or so "real" channels and 30 or so radio stations. However, a benefit of DBS is lots and lots of Pay-Per-View movies. Click a button and a "new release" movie in video stores plays on your screen for about the cost of a rental just about any time of the day. The good side of this is that it eliminates frustrating trips to the store; the big drawback is that you can't pause or stop the movie. So we suggest that you just tape a movie you know you're gonna wanna see in advance, and then watch it at your own convenience.

Finally, the most important thing to note about channel selection is that you should decide what channels you really expect to watch so you get a cost-efficient package. For example, will you really watch "Court TV" or "The Word Network"? Of course, because DBS only offers package deals, you'll most likely be saddled with some channels that you'll only see for the amount of time it takes to flip through them. But if the only channel that ever appears on your screen is C-SPAN, satellite television may not be for you, or you at least would want to buy a minimal package. Come to think of it, if you really do only watch C-SPAN, contact with humans may also not be for you.