Remember the old days when there were only 4 "real" television channels? Neither do we; we've chosen to block out those dark ages. As far as we're concerned, the more TV you can get, the better. That's why we strongly encourage you to revel in the American pastime of sloth and get satellite TV.

When you get satellite TV, a small dish on your roof will broadcast virtually EVERY television channel on the planet to your boob tube for a surprisingly reasonable price. This SYW will explain all you need to know about hooking yourself up with Direct Broadcast Satellite (DBS) television - from picking a package to buying and installing the equipment. And if being separated from your TV is making you uneasy, just pretend that your mouse is a remote control.

1. LEARN THE BASICS

You probably think you're pretty well off with cable TV - MTV, ESPN, Cartoon Network, the Food Network - yep, life is good. But don't get complacent… life could be even better. A little while ago, engineers realized that satellites orbiting around the planet could serve a function other than taking pictures of the moon: to provide the legions of couch potatoes hundreds of channels with crystal clear reception. Ain't science great?

Here are a few basic facts about Direct Broadcast Satellite (DBS):

  • A small dish (about 18 to 24 inches in circumference) is installed outside your house, serving as your window to a vast horizon of TV channels.

  • About 1 in 10 households currently subscribes to a DBS service, a number expected to double within the next couple of years.

  • The main advantage of DBS over cable TV is that it offers you even more choices. With satellite TV, customers can pick which company they want to subscribe with and what package of channels to buy. This is different from normal cable television, where you're forced to purchase whatever system your region offers and pay whatever price they tell you (sounds a bit like the mob, eh?).

  • DBS offers you up to 300 channels to watch. Yep, 300 channels - why, with the help of delivery food (and a very creative way to go to the bathroom), you'll never have to leave your couch again!

  • There are two main downsides to satellite TV. The first is that although the cost of DBS is very competitive with cable, you may have to pay extra to get your local stations. Shocking as it may be, in the past, satellite television did not hook you up to your local stations. So customers had to either additionally purchase a basic cable package, or drag out an antenna to get local channels like NBC, ABC, CBS, FOX, and PBS. But don't panic, because now both providers are offering local stations at very reasonable costs. You still may not get all of your locals, but it's probably your best option.

  • The second downside of satellite TV is that you have to use your brain, evaluate your options, and think about what you want. But don't get overwhelmed by this task - we're here to help.

2. CHOOSE A PROVIDER

Just as the 1980s were dominated by the "cola war" between Coke and Pepsi (oh, and there was this "Cold War" thing around too), there's now a new battle being waged in America. This time it's between the two major DBS providers: DIRECTV and DISH NETWORK.

The two providers are eerily consistent in almost every facet, and all these similarities may have you wondering why there are two companies at all. Although these two companies don't differ by much, they're not completely identical. Here's the scoop:

  • DIRECTV: In this corner of the ring, we have DIRECTV, which has been around longer than DISH NETWORK, and thus it has more customers; however, this is not to say that it's a better system. One exclusive feature of DIRECTV is the bone-crunching amount of sports it offers. For the fanatical face painting sports fans, DIRECTV's NFL Ticket, NBA League Pass, MLB Extra Innings, and NHL Center Ice are all features that broadcast practically every game of the respective sport. Prices are steep though, and each sports package costs $150 for the entire season.

  • DISH NETWORK: In the other corner is DISH NETWORK. One advantage of this service is that it has the greatest number of satellite bandwidth allocations, which means that they have the potential to eventually broadcast close to 500 channels. So if you're planning for (or eagerly anticipating) a nuclear holocaust that will wipe everything out except you and your TV, DISH NETWORK may be the choice for you. One drawback, however, is that DISH NETWORK does not offer the seasonal sports packages. However, DISH NETWORK is touted as having better customer services.

Picking your company for DBS is a tough decision because both systems have an expansive range of comparable options. The most sensible tie-breaker would be to use the cost of the service, but your bill will depend on which package (that is, channel options) you choose (which we'll talk about next). So our best piece of advice is to think about what features interest you and get the provider that will meet all or most of your needs.

3. PICK YOUR PACKAGE

You've weighed the costs and benefits, constructed flowcharts and Venn diagrams, and then finally decided to flip a coin to pick your provider. Lazy bum. However, after the big toss, you still have some work to do. The next decision you'll have to make is what channel package to buy.

The two main things in this decision are channels offered and price. Sure, the companies will entice you with everything from free toasters to private trapeze lessons in order to pick the most expensive options, but be strong and shop smart.

DIRECTV package
DISH NETWORK package

DIRECTV package

What DIRECTV offers:

  • A huge range in package pricing; the cheapest package is only $22 per month, but you can spend $83 per month for the most lavish package. Falling in the middle of this range are packages with at least 100 channels, and these are about $50 per month.

  • Perhaps the best value that DIRECTV offers is its Total Choice package, which gives you about 100 channels for $32 per month.

  • One thing that may surprise you is that even with a satellite dish, premium channels such as HBO, Cinemax, Showtime, etc. still cost extra. (Those greedy bastards.) However, the good news for movie buffs is that with satellite television, getting HBO (or any other movie channel) actually means getting multiple HBOs (e.g. HBO Plus, HBO Family, etc.) all showing different movies. For example, DIRECTV offers a package with all the Total Choice channels, plus 5 HBOs, 4 STARZ!, 2 HBO Family, 8 Encore, 3 Cinemaxes, the Independent Film Channel, and the Sundance channel for $60 per month.

  • DIRECTV also offers some a la carte extras to purchase. One of these is the seasonal sports extras discussed above, and another offering is the Family Pack, which gives you about 10 family-oriented "educational" channels. So if your kids have officially deemed the TV their third parent, this is a good alternative (for only $5 per month).

  • This is just scratching the surface of all the channel offerings of DIRECTV (and they be offering special deals), so make sure you check out the DIRECTV website for the latest info.

DISH NETWORK package

What DISH NETWORK offers:

  • Not surprisingly, the prices for the channel packages are pretty similar to DIRECTV. The DISH NETWORK has three basic packages: 40, 100, or 150 channels. The line-up of channels is also pretty similar to DIRECTV.

  • The three packages above are $20, $30, and $40, respectively, per month. Pretty cheap, eh?

  • One snag is that these packages, even the "America's Top 150" package, do not include the premium movie channels.

  • We know what you're thinking: "No movie channels? Then how will I get to watch Stepdad II: Make Room for Daddy on Cinemax?" So you'll have to purchase a premium movie channel package. Prices for these packages run a little higher than DIRECTV, but they are more comprehensive. For example, 30 movie channels cost about $36 per month. Therefore, if you take the price of the highest basic package and add movie channels, you'll shell out around $80, just about the same as the most lavish DIRECTV package.

  • As always, it is best to investigate a little yourself, so poke around DISH NETWORK's website.
Regarding both providers, we must warn you that the 100 (or more) channel packages contain about 30 "music channels," or blank screens playing continuous music of a certain genre. So really, you're only getting about 70 or so "real" channels and 30 or so radio stations. However, a benefit of DBS is lots and lots of Pay-Per-View movies. Click a button and a "new release" movie in video stores plays on your screen for about the cost of a rental just about any time of the day. The good side of this is that it eliminates frustrating trips to the store; the big drawback is that you can't pause or stop the movie. So we suggest that you just tape a movie you know you're gonna wanna see in advance, and then watch it at your own convenience.

Finally, the most important thing to note about channel selection is that you should decide what channels you really expect to watch so you get a cost-efficient package. For example, will you really watch "Court TV" or "The Word Network"? Of course, because DBS only offers package deals, you'll most likely be saddled with some channels that you'll only see for the amount of time it takes to flip through them. But if the only channel that ever appears on your screen is C-SPAN, satellite television may not be for you, or you at least would want to buy a minimal package. Come to think of it, if you really do only watch C-SPAN, contact with humans may also not be for you.

4. BUY IT

Here comes the part you probably aren't looking forward to: shelling out the money and actually buying satellite television. The best advice we can give you on getting the channels and features you want at minimum cost is to check out the promotions DIRECTV and DISH NETWORK are offering.

Promotional deals

Because DIRECTV and DISH NETWORK are competing for your business, there are always tons of promotional deals going on. Some will appeal to you, and some won't. Here are some examples:

  • At the time of this writing, when you buy DIRECTV and subscribe to the Total Choice package, you'll get two months of 32 premium movie channels and 25 specialty sports channels for free.

  • However, because DISH NETWORK is scurrying to be the top provider, they're offering an even better deal: show them your current cable bill and agree to purchase the Top 100 plus premium movie channels or the Top 150 package (about $40 per month) for one year. In return, you get the actual satellite dish and professional installation for free. This will save you about $400. By the way, even if you don't have cable, you can still get this promotion, you'll just have to pay up front and then get a refund in the mail.

These promotions won't last forever, though, so check out their websites before you buy. Hey, maybe you'll find an even better deal.

Equipment

When it comes to buying the equipment for your satellite television, there are many ways to find the best deal:

  • If DISH NETWORK is the DBS for you, the best dish to get by far is the DISH 500 satellite TV system (model 3722/3822), which is the one you'll get for free if you take advantage of the deal above. There are other dishes to buy, and you can check them out at the DISH NETWORK homepage, but clear your sitcom-clogged brain and think: why on earth would you buy one when you can get one for free?

  • DIRECTV doesn't offer an official satellite dish; while this makes the process a little more complicated, it does offer more flexibility and choice. The best way to buy the actual dish is to go to a retailer near you (Best Buy, Circuit City, Sears, etc.) and check out what dishes are in your price range and offer what you need. The DIRECTV website even has a dealer locater that operates on zip code.

  • As we're sure you could guess, the DISH NETWORK also has a dealer locater based on your zip code.

  • You should also take a look at Amazon.com for satellite systems, which has a product finder that allows you to type in features and prices you're looking for and then displays matching systems.
When you buy the actual system, you'll get the dish, the receiver (the box on top of your TV), and a remote control. However, each receiver can only broadcast to one TV. Now, if you only have one TV or want to minimize the amount of screen gazing in your house, that's not a problem. But most likely you'll want the satellite service in more than one room of the house, which is easily accomplished… for a price. What you'll have to do is purchase extra receivers (usually about $100 each plus a nominal per-month charge for each one) and make sure you buy a dish with the capability to send the signal to more than one receiver.

Some other goodies you can get when purchasing equipment:
  • You can receive your Internet service from your TV, known as "WebTV." Of course, if you're reading this, you already have an Internet provider, but DBS can offer you a turbocharged connection at a decent price (usually about $25 per month).

  • For the parents in the crowd, you can spoil all your children's fun with parental locks on certain channels.

  • For the technophiles, you can purchase high-definition television (HDTV), which is an ultra-sharp digital picture.

Lots of other accessories abound, and new features are constantly being added, so when you're ready to buy DBS, check out the providers' websites for all of the options available.

Ordering your satellite television system

When you are ready to buy it, all you'll need is your credit card. The way to order your satellite television service is by calling the provider's toll-free number:

  • DIRECTV: 1-800-DIRECTV (1-800-347-3288)
  • DISH NETWORK: 1-800-333-DISH (3474)

5. INSALL YOUR EQUIPMENT

You're signed up for the service and you have the equipment. You're so close you can taste it… but there is one final matter that requires your attention: buying chips and dip. Well, that and installing the dish. There's basically two ways to go about this:

The easy way
The hard way

The easy way

Suck up your manhood/womanhood and fork over some cash for professional installation. It will save you lots of time and will ensure that it's done correctly. While it usually costs around $200, there are always ongoing promotions. And if you take advantage of the DISH NETWORK promotion discussed in step 4, it's free! But if you happen to be mechanically inclined, read on and see if you're up for installing the dish yourself.

The hard way

If you're ready for the challenge, then watch a few reruns of Home Improvement and install your satellite system yourself, either with or without the aid of an installation kit. An installation kit, sold in almost all stores that you'd buy your dish in, is highly recommended. It comes with all the necessary hardware and a book/video to guide you. The only thing you'll need besides the satellite equipment is a working phone jack near the location of the receiver. Once that's taken care of, here's what you'll need to be able to do if you decide to go solo:

  1. Mount the actual dish somewhere outside. It's not necessary to mount the dish on the roof (though you may choose to do so); you can install it anywhere it has an unobstructed view of the direction of the orbiting satellite. We suggest installing it on the ground. One tip we'll mention is to place the dish in an inconspicuous place, because if it's stolen, well… how should we put it…TV go bye-bye. Another good idea is to try to position the dish so that it has some sort of a covering (but not so much that it obstructs the signal). The reason for this is that heavy rain and winds may scramble the reception. Don't worry too much, every little drizzle won't break your streak of consecutive hours remaining motionless, but it's something to consider.

  2. Connect the dish to the receiver. This basically involves grounding the wire and then running it from the outside to the inside. If you know something about electronics, this shouldn't be difficult, but if you've managed to somehow screw up plugging a cord into the outlet, you may have some trouble. Luckily, when you buy the installation kit, you'll get lots of detailed information about this process.

  3. Point your dish. This is a very most important part: you need to point the dish at the correct satellite location in order to receive the signal. To do this, you'll need to determine the correct azimuth and elevation (that is, rotation and lift). It's not quite as hard as it sounds, and each provider's website has a feature that gives you the correct azimuth and elevation numbers just by typing in your zip code. The websites also have information on how to apply these numbers to the actual dish. So one last time (we promise), we suggest you go to DIRECTV or DISH NETWORK and click on the "dish pointer" section.

After you've accomplished these three steps, you're ready to install yourself on the couch and make up for lots of lost TV-watching time. Again, to cover our own butts, we recommend that you take the easy way out and just have it professionally installed.

While it's not for everyone, satellite television does offer you an enormous selection of programming at a reasonable price. Now that you know how to get it, there's no stopping you. If you could only wedge yourself out of that "ass-groove" on your couch…