You see all the other poseurs happily purchasing expensive scotches with 14-syllable names and you want to join in the fun. But you don't want to get something that only a tasteless imbecile would order or purchase, or something that will make you gag. How the heck can you tell a Glenmorangie from a Laphroaig, and how do you pronounce either of them? Never fear. We'll tell you how to select a scotch and then tell you a bunch of interesting facts that every scotch snob should know. You'll be drinking liquid most people find unpalatable, and droning on tediously about it, in no time.

1. SELECT BETWEEN BLENDS AND SINGLE MALTS

There are two types of whisky (Scotch whisky is always spelled without the ‘e') distilled in Scotland: grain and malt. Grain whisky is made from malted barley, unmalted barley and other grains, while malt whisky is made from malted barley alone. Blended scotch is made from blends of up to 50 different kinds of grain and malt whiskies. 95% of the Scotch exported from Scotland is of the blended variety, but that's not because the rest of the world has poor taste; most of the scotch consumed in Scotland is also blended.

Blended whisky's popularity can probably be explained by two factors: first, it is less strongly flavored and challenging to the palate than single malt whiskies, and second, it is usually less expensive. Blends have much less snob value than single malts, though, and they don't have as much character or flavor. If you're going to go with the crowd and buy a blend, much of this article will be lost on you, but it's so interesting that you should read it anyway.

Popular Blended Whiskies Ballantine's Hankey-Bannister Bell's Justerini & Brooks Rare (J&B) Cutty Sark Royal Salut Dewar's Teacher's Green Plaid The Famous Grouse

Of these, we prefer Dewar's and J&B, but you should try a variety and see which ones you like. The fanciest and most expensive of these is Royal Salut, which comes in a crockery bottle.

Single Malts

If you really want to hang with the cool kids, put the blends away. Single malt scotch allows for true discrimination, connoisseurship, lavish spending, and unbridled snobbery. The snobbery is, however, tempered by the fact that scotch is an earthy beverage, with strong, smoky flavors, and only those who have truly taken the time to acquire the taste can actually choke down single malts.

With advertising like this, who can resist? It doesn't matter what we say, because single malts make their own friends. Enjoying a single malt whisky is a complex and varied experience of scent, taste and mouthfeel (which refers to – you guessed it – how the scotch feels in your mouth), and it can be very rewarding. Besides, it's the most expensive thing on the drink menu so it's got to be good and you're going to learn to like it. This reasoning doesn't always work, but in this case you should definitely believe the hype. That doesn't mean you should buy just any single malt, though – read on.

2. SELECT A REGION

Single malts are often classified according to the region in which they were distilled. Scotch-wise, Scotland is basically divided up into four regions: Highland, Lowland, Speyside, and Islay. Each region produces scotch with different characteristics. We will describe them below and you can select the region that sounds most appealing to you and choose from a list of recommended scotches from that region.

In addition to our own suggestions, many of the brand recommendations in this section come from the good people at www.scotchwhisky.com. We thank them for helping us to help you bust out some seriously obscure but awesome sounding scotch varieties.

Highland

The Highland region is the largest by far, and the single malts produced there vary widely. It can be further subdivided into the Northern, Eastern, Western, and Central Highlands, and doing so allows for more specific commentary.

The Northern Highlands distilleries produce lighter whiskies that are known for their delicacy, complex aromas, and slight saltiness (due to their being distilled by the sea). Recommended Northern Highland brands include: Balblair, Clynelish, Glenmorangie (the most popular single malt in Scotland), Highland Park, and Pulteney.

The Eastern Highlands distilleries are known for whiskies which are medium-bodied, smooth, and slightly smoky. The two Eastern Highlands scotches which are most recommended are Glendronach and Royal Lochnagar.

Western Highlands single malts are somewhat sweet, have a peppery finish and a hint of smoke. The most recommended (the latter two are promoted as "Classic Malts") are Ben Nevis, Oban, and Talisker (known for it's extremely hot, peppery flavor).

Central Highlands whiskies are said to be light-bodied, somewhat sweet, very fragrant, with a dry finish. The most recommended of these are Dalwhinnie (another "Classic Malt") and Edradour.

Lowland

There are not many Lowland distilleries, but they have always been known for making single malts much lighter and mellower than other Scotch whiskies. Lowland whiskies used to be very popular with the English, who found the light flavor more suitable for their delicate palates. Don't think we're trying to make these sound like scotch for wimps, though. Lowland scotches all have the powerful, complex flavors and aromas which are unique to single malt whiskies, and they might well be the best scotches for beginners who aren't sure they can deal with an Islay malt or a Talisker.

The most recommended Lowland brands are Auchentoshan and Glenkinchie.

Speyside

The Speyside region is geographically located within the Highlands, but the Speyside distilleries are all adjacent to the River Spey, and they are thought to have sufficiently unique characteristics to warrant a region of their own. This region boasts the highest concentration of distilleries, and the whiskies they produce are known for their sweetness and their complex and elegant flavors and aromas. More than half of the distilleries in Scotland are located in the relatively small Speyside region, and they produce many brands that are highly recommended. The "Top Class" Speyside whiskies include:

Aultmore Glen Grant Linkwood Benrinnes Glenlivet Longmorn Cragganmore Glenlossie Macallan Glen Elgin Glenrothes Mortlach

Islay

Islay (pronounced "eye-la") is a small island off the western coast of Scotland, and it is home to the heaviest, strongest-flavored, smokiest, and most challenging of the single malts. Some love their complexity and robustness, while others think they are unspeakably foul. Their strong flavor is thought to be due to the Islay region's exposure to the high winds and seas of the west coast. Salty spray is blown far inland, and this can get into the water and the peat, both of which are used in the production of Islay malts. These whiskies might not be good for neophytes, but if you are already sure you like the flavors of single malt scotches in general it is probably worth your while to try some of these.

Some recommended brands are: Bowmore (one of the milder Islays), Caol Ila (pronounced "cal-eela"), Lagavulin, and Laphroaig (pronounced "La-frayg").

3. SELECT AN AGE

The most important thing to know about the age of scotch is that the longer scotch has been aged, the smoother it is. Therefore, you should select the oldest available scotch of the variety you desire. There are other important things to know about age, though, and we will present them in point form.

  • The age of a scotch depends entirely on how long it was aged in barrels. Scotch does not continue to age once it has been bottled, so the age of the scotch is the age marked on the bottle, no matter how long it has been stored after it was bottled.

  • Scotch whisky is required by law to be aged for a minimum of three years, but it should be aged much longer.

  • A good rule of thumb is that any really good scotch will have been aged for a minimum of ten years. We're sure there are exceptions, but there seems to be some consensus that after ten years the scotch starts to come into its own. 12, 15, or 21 year old scotches are nice, too, if you can afford them.

  • Not all scotches state how long they have been aged on their bottles, but all the ones which are worth drinking do. Only buy scotch if you know how old it is.

  • The age marked on a bottle of blended scotch is the age of the youngest scotch in the blend, not the average age of the scotches.

  • Be wary of misleading packaging. One blended whisky has a large "12" on its label which refers to the number of whiskies it blends but might seem to indicate its age. The packagers of good whisky take pride in the whisky's age and clearly state that it is "__ years old."

  • Whatever the age, all scotch should be stored in a dark, cool location.

4. LEARN INTERESTING FACTS

Now that you know a little about the regions, the brands, and the age of whiskies, you need to know some interesting facts so that you can have pretentious conversations with other aficionados. These will be presented in point form.

  • Scotch whisky must be distilled in Scotland in order to be called Scotch. Scotch can be bottled elsewhere, but it must be distilled in Scotland.

  • The word "whisky" comes from uisge, a shortened form of uisge beatha, which means "water of life" in Scots Gaelic.

  • It is traditionally believed that whisky came to Scotland from Ireland. The earliest recorded distillation of whisky in Scotland was in 1494, by Friar John Cor, but this was for a very large quantity of whisky (such as an established distillery would produce) and it would be a mistake to assume that he invented Scotch or anything like that. Nobody knows who invented Scotch.

  • Most people consider it gauche to serve single malt whisky with any mixer stronger than club soda. Some popular ways to drink single malts are: straight up, over ice, or with a splash of water or club soda. We think it is a waste to drink single malts with club soda, as the carbonation interferes with your appreciation of their subtler qualities. We've known scotch snobs who claimed to find even the addition of ice cubes disgraceful, but we don't see any need for that level of pretentiousness.

  • Nearly all scotch is chilfiltered, which removes solids that cause the scotch to become cloudy when ice cubes are added. This was done to appease the tastes of American consumers who did not like their liquor to turn cloudy. For those who want to taste scotch the way the old Highlanders drank it, cloudiness and all, here are two unchilfiltered brands: Te Bheag and Praban.

  • Most scotch is watered down to a standard strength of 80 or 86 proof (40% or 43% alcohol) before it is bottled. Scotch must have a minimum strength of 80 proof. However, some scotches are sold at "cask strength" which means they are bottled directly out of the barrel and can be as strong as 120 proof.

  • Scotch whisky is made from all natural ingredients, all of which are found in Scotland. Scotch cannot be made anywhere else, though many have tried. Scotch requires the ingredients, the cool, damp conditions, and the experience of Scottish distillers.