3. TURN YOUR MATERIAL INTO A STAND-UP ROUTINE

What's the use of having funny material if it's floating around on post-it notes and beer-soaked cocktail napkins? To turn your material into an actual routine, you'll need to:

Write some jokes
Put the jokes in order
Decide what your stage persona is going to be
Rehearse your act
Work out your timing

Write some jokes

Most jokes are based on the setup and punch line formula. First, the setup explains what the joke is about and then the punch line delivers the laugh (or so you hope).

Example: Setup - "My mother is so fat..."
Punch line - "...her booty has its own zip code."

So with the exercises you did earlier as a reference, write your jokes using the following comedy formats:

Lists The magic number in comedy is 3. The first two are alike, but the third is the opposite. ("Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers." -Daniel J. Boorstin) Comparisons Pointing out vast differences. ("My girlfriend's idea of a romantic night is a candlelit dinner and a walk on the beach. Mine is a six-pack and a bag of Fritos.") Simile Describing something by likening it to something else. ("He looked like a squid in stretch pants." -Judy Tenuta) Observations Pointing out how absurd everyday life is. ("You can't have everything. I mean, where would you put it?" -Steven Wright) Mimicking Making fun of someone by acting like him/her. (Your interfering mom, your whiny significant other, your pesky parole officer . . . just make sure they're not in the audience that night.) Callback A joke with a punch line that refers to a joke you did earlier in your set. ("I was going to send my mom a letter, but I couldn't remember her booty's zip code.")

You won't use all these formats in your routine, and there are many others, but they're a good foundation from which to work. For more in-depth information on comedy formats, take a look at Stand-Up Comedy: The Book. Two other good reference books are How to Be a Working Comic and Zen and the Art of Stand-Up Comedy.

After you've written your jokes, try to make the setups shorter. The average comedy club audience's attention span is very short. They've been drinking, after all, so they're not going to be able to follow a long setup without losing interest. They want to be easily entertained. Thinking is hard, laughing is easy. Don't give them too much to think about.

Once you have enough polished jokes to fill 10 minutes of stage time, you're ready to turn them into a stand-up routine. Notice we said 10 minutes of material instead of the 4-8 minutes you'll be allowed to do on amateur night at a comedy club. You'll want a couple of extra minutes of material to fall back on in case your original material isn't working out.

Put the jokes in order

Look at your list of jokes and pick out the best, funniest one. Put it at the end of your routine. Now take your second funniest joke and put it at the beginning. That way, you start strong and end with your biggest laugh. The third funniest joke will go just before the end. The next funniest joke will go just after the first joke and so on until you've filled up your time allotment. The number of jokes you tell will depend on your delivery and how long your jokes are.

Decide what your stage persona is going to be

This goes back to studying the pros. Anybody can tell a joke, but real stand-up comics are funny people to begin with. So figure out which comics you identify with. We're not implying you should act exactly like them, but if your comedic style is similar to theirs, chances are that your delivery and onstage attitude will be similar as well. The difference is that your unique personality will shine through, because your stage persona is really nothing more than an extension of yourself. It's what brings your act to life. Otherwise, you'll end up just reciting your jokes (also known as "walking through your act" . . . it's not very entertaining to watch).

Rehearse your act

Only guys like Leno and Letterman get to use cue cards, which, of course, is so unfair. Instead, you must remember your jokes. So until you win your own crappy talk show, ya gotta practice. The hard part won't be remembering the jokes, but rather telling the jokes in the right way. Most jokes aren't about the actual words, but about how you say them, so you have to practice your material over and over again. Tell 'em to anyone who will listen (your roommate, your co-workers, that guy who works the overnight shift at 7-Eleven), and gauge their reactions to determine what needs work. Remember that practicing your jokes is not the same as memorizing them. If you know your material too well, you'll come across as stiff and over-rehearsed. Be open to improvisation. You can always pick on a poor, unsuspecting audience member if you're at a loss for words.

Work out your timing

We're sorry to say that there's no easy formula for learning comic timing. It's both an inborn talent and a learned skill. Try to get an initial feel for it when you're practicing, and gather as much pre-performance criticism as you can. After that, you'll have to rely on the criticism of a live audience.

Still feel the need to practice? Consider taking a class in stand-up comedy. If you live in a large city, there may be private courses available at a local comedy club or community theater. If that's not an option, see if a college in your area has a theater department that offers a class on improvisation. Improv courses are especially good for learning how to think on your feet when your material isn't working and you have to keep going.

Once you've done the proper amount of preparation, it's time to move on to the real deal - performing in front of a live audience. Gulp.