Americans have notoriously poor table manners. We slurp our soup, chomp our chocolate cake, spill our salt, and belch our blessings. And while all this slurping, chomping, spilling, and belching can be seen as quaintly charming, we are no longer living in little wooden shacks in the Ozarks where we prop our feet on the table and scoot aside to make room for our 26 cats, dogs, and other varmints. What we need is some table manners! And this SYW is just the piece that'll give them to you.

Before we begin, let us assure you of one thing: this SYW is going to teach you the basic table manners you should use at every meal (or at least at the Red Lobster). We're not going to teach you about lesser-used table items (such as fingerbowls) because frankly, you almost never use those things, and even when you do, no one else will know how to use them either.

1.SIT DOWN AND CLAIM YOUR PROPERTY

There are so many rules about proper table manners that it would take forever to list every nitpicky item. So let's move right to the meal. But wait! Should a man pull a woman's chair out for her before she sits? Well, it depends. If they are on a date in a nice restaurant, sure. But at a nice restaurant, the person who seats the couple will probably pull the chair out for her, so you have nothing to worry about. This leads to...

GENERAL TIP #1: For all questions involving etiquette, just use your brains

Men don't have to get all Victorian and insist on standing up every time a woman leaves or returns to the table. Just be polite. Now, if you're a guest at someone's house, don't sit until the host sits first (unless the host told you to just go sit down at the table). In fact, when dealing with hosts, remember…

GENERAL TIP #2: Never do anything until the host does it first

This includes sit, eat, put your napkin on the table, and leave. After all, the host is paying for the shindig, so at least make him/her feel like (s)he's in charge.

OK, so we've overcome the enormous hurdle of getting your rump into the chair. Now it's time to take inventory and figure out which stuff is yours. We've all gone to a dinner and used our neighbor's fork, glass, bread plate, or husband. My, how embarrassing! So here's a shortcut so that you can know exactly what is yours: (1) Your plate is in the center. (2) Knives and spoons are on your right, and forks and your napkin on the left. (3) Liquids (e.g., your water) go to your right, and solids (e.g., bread plate) go on your left. Here's a funky example of what the utensil layout in front of you may look like:

There might be more forks, knives, or spoons, depending on what the meal is, but you get the general idea. If you need another shortcut, remember that your drink is always on the right because the first two letters in the word "DRink" stand for "Drink Right." Catchy, eh? Just know that your bread plate is on the other side, and you're set!

One note if you happen to be the host: remember that all items (e.g., salad, meal, wine, water) should be brought to each diner's RIGHT, and cleared from each diner's LEFT. That's why the glasses are all on the right.

There are so many rules about proper table manners that it would take forever to list every nitpicky item. So let's move right to the meal. But wait! Should a man pull a woman's chair out for her before she sits? Well, it depends. If they are on a date in a nice restaurant, sure. But at a nice restaurant, the person who seats the couple will probably pull the chair out for her, so you have nothing to worry about. This leads to...