It's that time of year again - time to gather with friends and family, turn on some football, put away the bathroom scale, and pig out like you haven't since… well… last Thanksgiving. This year, instead of just shoveling food that someone else cooked into your mouth, we suggest that you take a whack at preparing the meal yourself.

All by myself? Don't wanna cook... all by myyyysellllllf. It's time that you tackled the hosting of a holiday event. After all, cooking can be fun, rewarding, and tasty. It's time to take on some responsibility anyway. And you're getting old.

Since you're reading this, we assume that you're not exactly Julia Child (which is a good thing). So we're going to adopt a "Thanksgiving For Dummies" approach, replete with easy shortcuts (ready-made piecrust, anyone?) that will make life easier for novice chefs. So break out the apron and get ready to make like a Pilgrim. Minus the buckle hat. And the small pox.

1. FOLLOW A COUNTDOWN SCHEDULE

If you think your guests will let you get away with slapping together whatever you happen to have in the fridge, think again. Thanksgiving dinners require a lot of planning in advance and at least a couple of trips to the supermarket. (Maybe one, if you bring along your strapping man-servant or wench.)

Here's an itinerary that'll be useful to you when planning your Thanksgiving feast. Print it out and tie it to your wrist.

  1. As soon as you decide to host a dinner: Make up a guest list and invite your guests. Make sure you don't go overboard and invite more people than you can afford to feed. (Your best friend? Good. Your best friend's psychic's cousin-in-law? Bad.) We suggest that you invite people via a friendly phone call so that you can get an instant yes or no.

  2. One week before: Do your shopping now. If you wait until the last couple of days, all the decent-sized turkeys will be gone and you'll either have to settle for a sickly one or be forced to fool your guests with a giant chicken. Buy all the ingredients listed for the recipes in Step 2, Step 3, and Step 4, and stick the turkey in the coldest part of your freezer.

    At this point, you should also make sure that you have all the necessary cooking equipment. Besides the usual assortment of pots and pans, you should get your hands on a cheese grater, a strainer, an electric mixer, and various sized mixing bowls and baking dishes.

  3. Three days before: Do a massive cleaning job on your fridge-you're going to need the room. This is also when you defrost the turkey. For a full description on how to cook the bird, read Step 2.

  4. One day before: This is when you prepare all of your side dishes and pies. Unless you have more than one oven, you might not have the room to bake any think with the turkey at the same time. This also gives you more time to schmooze with your guests tomorrow. This is also the day to get dinner rolls, salad, drinks, ice, napkins, and flowers.

  5. The big day!: Start preparing the rest of the food (especially the turkey) around noon, set the table, serve the meal, and take all of the credit for the wonderful meal. Eat too much, feel sick, and collapse on the couch in a big fat ball.

2. PICK OUT, DEFROST, PREPARE, AND ROAST THE TURKEY

Pick out a turkey

Instead of buying your turkey from the shady guy selling them for two bucks on the corner, we recommend that you go to your supermarket to pick one out. To get the tastiest and safest bird possible, follow these tips:

  • Make sure you pick out a turkey that is 4- to 6-months-old, Grade A, and USDA-approved. This is key.

  • Buy a frozen turkey at least 3 days in advance so that you can properly defrost it.

  • To figure out how big of a turkey you need, estimate that each guest will eat about 1.3 pounds, and then round up. Here are some examples:
    8 guests: 8 x 1.3 = 10.4. Your turkey should weigh at least 11 pounds.

    13 guests: 13 x 1.3 = 16.9. So the bird should weigh at least 17 pounds.
  • Avoid turkeys that are pre-stuffed. Even though they seem efficient (much like peanut butter and jelly in one handy jar), baking turkeys with the stuffing already inside them promotes bacterial growth, which can lead to mass illness among your guests.

  • Once you buy your turkey, stick it immediately into the coldest part of your freezer and keep it there a couple days.

Defrost the turkey

Three days before the big meal (that would be Monday), it will be time for you to take the turkey out of the freezer and move it into the refrigerator so that it can properly defrost. You can't just take the turkey out of the freezer on Wednesday night and plop it on the counter - your guests will get food poisoning, and you'll feel less than thankful when an ambulance is rushing your retching dinner party en masse to the hospital.

Any turkey under 20 pounds should take no more than 3 days to thaw in the fridge. For turkeys over 20 pounds, give it 4 to 5 days.

Roast the turkey

On Thursday morning, you'll have a nice, defrosted turkey sitting in your fridge. Here's what to do next:

  • Preheat the oven to 325°F.

  • Remove the turkey wrapper.

  • "Wash" your turkey by running cold, wet, paper towels along its body.

  • Dry off the turkey with paper towels.

  • Pull out the neck from the body cavity and remove the giblets from the neck cavity.

  • Drain the juices and blot the cavities with paper towels.

  • Rub the outside of the turkey with a brush loaded with olive oil. Then rub on some salt and pepper.

Now you're ready to start roasting. Your turkey will probably come with roasting directions on its packaging, so it's best to just follow those. However, here are some universal instructions:

  • Place the turkey breast-side up on a flat rack in an open roasting pan about 2 inches deep.

  • In general, a turkey should be roasted 10-12 minutes per pound at 325° F. You'll know when your turkey is done when a meat thermometer that's inserted into the thigh reads 175 to 180° F.

  • About a half hour before you expect the turkey to be done, check in on it and make sure there aren't any catastrophes.

  • If you find that your turkey is browning too quickly (which often happens to larger birds), cover the entire pan with a loose tent of aluminum foil.

  • Let the turkey stand about 15 - 20 minutes before carving it up.

Stuff the turkey

We recommend that you stuff the turkey after it's been fully cooked in order to prevent bacterial growth. Simply follow the directions on how to make bread stuffing below, and then spoon it into the two "empty compartments" at the front and back of the bird.

Preparation Time: 1 hour

Ingredients:

  • 12 cups day-old bread, cut into ½-inch cubes
  • 4½ cups chicken stock
  • 2½ sticks celery, finely chopped
  • 1¼ onion, peeled and finely chopped
  • 2½ large eggs
  • ½ cup walnuts, chopped

Directions:

  1. Preheat oven to 350° F.

  2. Melt the butter in a large frying pan over medium heat. Then add the celery and onions and cook for about 5 minutes.

  3. Throw all the ingredients into a large bowl and mix well. Use your (washed) hands if necessary!

  4. Transfer the stuffing into a 9" x 13" buttered baking pan and cover it with aluminum foil.

  5. Bake for 20 minutes, then remove the foil, raise the oven temperature to 400° F, and bake for another 20 minutes. The stuffing is done when the top is brown and crisp.

  6. After the turkey is fully roasted, stuff the stuffing into it and serve. Any leftover stuffing can be served as a side dish.

3. PREPARE THE TRADITIONAL THANKSGIVING SIDE DISHES

All the following dishes yield 8 servings. We'll leave it up to you to do the math if you're planning on more (or less) guests.

Also, you'll notice that the following side dishes are just about as "traditional" as one can get. While you can't go wrong with any of these, we understand the need to get a little wild in the kitchen every once in a while-which is why we've scrapped together a separate recipe list of three not-so-traditional side dishes (macaroni and cheese, corn chowder, and creamed spinach). Feel free to wander, O rebellious chef.

Cornbread
Cranberry sauce
Mashed potatoes

Cornbread

Preparation Time: 40 minutes

Ingredients:

  • 1 tbsp. vegetable shortening
  • 1 tsp. baking powder
  • 1 tsp. baking soda
  • 2 cups buttermilk
  • 1¾ cups stone-ground cornmeal
  • 2 large eggs
  • ¾ tsp. salt
  • 1 tbsp. sugar

Directions:

  1. Preheat oven to 450° F.

  2. In a large bowl, whisk together the cornmeal, baking soda, baking powder, sugar, and salt.

  3. Beat the eggs in a medium bowl, then add buttermilk to it. Combine this mixture with the cornmeal mix. Stir everything until just barely blended to get that mealy cornbread texture.

  4. Drop the vegetable shortening into the center of an 8" x 8" glass baking pan. Put the pan in the oven and watch it until smoke starts rising from the shortening.

  5. Quickly remove the pan from the oven, pour the batter in, and bake the whole thing for 20-25 minutes. The cornbread is done when the top is brown and the center feels firm when you poke at it.

Cranberry sauce

Preparation Time: 4 hours (including chilling time)

Ingredients:

  • 16 oz. fresh cranberries
  • 1¼ cup sugar
  • 1¼ cup water

Directions:

  1. Boil the water and sugar in a medium saucepan.

  2. Add the cranberries. Bring the mixture to a boil, then reduce the heat to low and cook for another 10 minutes. Stir occasionally.

  3. When all the cranberries have split open from the heat, pour the contents of the saucepan into a strainer placed over a medium-sized bowl. Push the sauce through the strainer with the back of a spoon until there is no pulp left in the strainer.

  4. Stir the cranberry sauce and transfer it to a small bowl. Cover the bowl with plastic wrap and stick it in the fridge to cool for at least 3 hours.

Mashed Potatoes

Preparation Time: 40 minutes

Ingredients:

  • 8 medium sized potatoes
  • 6 tbsp. butter
  • ¾ cup warm milk
  • salt and black pepper to taste
  • ½ cup chopped chives (optional)
  • ½ cup bacon bits (optional)

If you opt to use both optional options, incorporate only ¼ cup of each.

Directions:

  1. Peel the potatoes, cut them in half width-wise. If you want to make your mashed potatoes more nutritious, leave half the potatoes unpeeled (but washed very thoroughly!).

  2. Boil the potatoes in a large pot of slightly salted water for 20 minutes. Longer if they're not tender enough to be pierced easily. Drain them, stick them back in the pot, cover the pot, and shake the potatoes around a bit.

  3. Add the milk and butter, and bring out an electric mixer. Mix on medium speed until the potatoes are smooth and creamy. If necessary, add more milk, but go slow with that (add only one tablespoon at a time) or you might end up with really watery potatoes.

  4. Add the optional ingredients, then salt and pepper to taste.

4. MAKE THE DESSERTS

For dessert, we're offering you two choices of pies: pumpkin and mixed berry. If you have time, make both.

Pumpkin pie
Cranberry-blueberry pie à la mode

Pumpkin pie

If this pie isn't being made on Thanksgiving day, it should be the last thing you make the night before; the pie crust will begin to soften after it's baked with the filling, so the sooner your guests devour it, the better.

Preparation Time: 4 hours (including chilling time)

Ingredients:

  • 1 ready-made piecrust
  • 2 cups canned pumpkin puree
  • 1/3 cup firmly packed brown sugar
  • ½ cup sugar
  • 1½ cup evaporated milk
  • 3 eggs
  • 1 tsp. group cinnamon
  • 1 tsp. ground ginger
  • ½ tsp. ground nutmeg
  • ½ tsp. salt
  • Whipped topping (like Cool Whip)

Directions:

  1. Preheat oven to 375° F and warm the piecrust in the oven until it is feels hot.

  2. In a large bowl, mix all the other ingredients together until smooth.

  3. Remove the piecrust from the oven, pour the pumpkin filling into it, and bake for 35 - 40 minutes. Keep checking up on the pie because it'll crack if over-baked. The pie is done when the filling is mostly solid and only a tad bouncy when nudged.

  4. Cool pie on a rack, then refrigerate until the next day. Don't freeze pumpkin pies because they don't take kindly to it.

  5. Serve with a dollop of whipped topping on each slice.

Cranberry-blueberry pie à la mode

Preparation Time: 1½ hours

Ingredients:

  • 1 ready-made pie crust
  • 12 oz. frozen unsweetened blueberries
  • 12 oz. fresh cranberries
  • 1½ cups sugar
  • 1 tsp. ground cinnamon
  • ½ tsp. ground nutmeg
  • ¼ cup cornstarch
  • 6 tbsp. orange juice
  • 2 tbsp. heavy cream
  • Half gallon of vanilla ice cream

Directions:

  1. Preheat the oven to 375° F.

  2. Combine the blueberries, cranberries, sugar, cinnamon, and nutmeg in a large bowl and mix well.

  3. Heat up the orange juice in a large saucepan and slowly add cornstarch until it dissolves.

  4. Add the berry mix and bring everything to a boil over medium-high heat. Cook and stir the mixture constantly for 5-8 minutes until the sauce thickens. Then remove it from heat and let it cool completely.

  5. Carefully spoon the berry filling into the ready-made pie crust. Sprinkle the top of the pie all over with 1 tbsp. of sugar.

  6. Bake for about an hour, or until the crust is browned and the berry filling is bubbling. Check on the pie constantly to make sure the crust doesn't crack and the berries aren't bubbling over.

  7. Cool the pie and refrigerate until 1 hour before it's to be served.

  8. Consider serving the pie warmed over and with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top of each slice. Call it "pie à la mode" to impress your guests.

5. SET THE TABLE AND SERVE THE FOOD

Set the table

And now that your feast has been cooked up, it's time to dish it out! Instead of jangling a bell and hollering, "Come and get it, ya animals!" we advise that you properly set up the dinner table. Here's how:

  1. Make sure that you have enough space, chairs, and utensils for everybody. Guests shouldn't have to sit in each others' laps and share forks.

  2. Get out the fancy silverware, dinnerware, napkins, and glasses, and wash them all off. If you don't own any fancy dining equipment, buy a matching plastic set. After all, nothing says "class" like a plastic champagne flute!

  3. Arrange the tableware at each seating nicely. For tips on how to set things up properly, check out "SYW Improve Your Table Manners?" If you're serving chowder, place a soup bowl on top of each plate.

  4. If your table isn't large enough to accommodate all your guests, all the dishes, and the turkey, then get out a folding table, situate it right on the end of the dinner table, and place all of the dishes and food there. After each guest has helped him/herself to some of each side dish, the dishes can be placed on this back-up table and easily accessed for seconds and thirds. Drinks and ice can also be placed on the folding table.

Serve the food

  • Bring out the dishes. Get everyone seated before presenting the side dishes. Bring out the turkey last. You want to make a grand entrance with your piece de la resistance so clear out a space for it on the table beforehand and whatever you do, don't drop the bird! Get someone else to help you carry it if it's too heavy for your feeble arms.

  • Carve the turkey. When carving your turkey, keep these tips in mind:

    1. Cut the joints, not the bones.

    2. Go with the grain of the meat.

    3. Separate the thighs and drumsticks by bending the turkey legs away from the body and cutting at the place where they meet.

    4. When cutting the breast meat, place your knife parallel and as close to the wing as possible. Cut straight to the bone. Then cut slices perpendicular to this base cut.

  • Leftovers. Don't fear leftovers - they're good to eat for up to 5 days after you prepared them, if stored properly. Cover the dishes with plastic wrap or aluminum foil and stick them in the fridge. Remove all the stuffing from the turkey and store the two separately. To find out how to use uneaten turkey in ways you wouldn't have thought possible, go to this site for turkey recipes.

So there you have it: everything you ever wanted to know about preparing a scrumptious Thanksgiving dinner. Eat, drink, and be merry!