SOYOUWANNA AVOID GETTING A TRAFFIC TICKET?

3. TALK TO YOUR COP

OK, let's say that you've followed our sterling advice in steps 1 and 2 (you have an immaculate car and only make contact with the outside world on the 15th of each month). We now must talk you through what happens when you get pulled over. When pulled over, our natural inclination is to not say anything at all for fear of saying the wrong thing. Unless you're auditioning for The Piano, it helps to speak. Silence is often an indication of something to hide.

The first thing you need to know is what to call the cop that pulls you. Avoid "Pig." For some reason, they seem to take offense to that. Instead, try to guess the officer's proper title:

• If the officer's uniform has three or more stripes, chances are, (s)he is a Sergeant.
• One or two stripes usually indicates a Corporal.
• An officer with no stripes but in a State Police car is a Trooper.
• No stripes and a County car is a Deputy.
• If you aren't sure, stick with "Officer."

Unless you've been living with Jesse Helms for the past ten years, you've probably noticed that cops are both male and female. DO NOT treat a female cop differently. She too is "the man." Don't say anything to a female cop that you would not say to a male cop. She is not a Miss, Ma'am, or Cutie. Use the same honorifics as with any other officer.