You've never been to a fancy-schmancy party before, and you're really psyched about hobnobbing with the upper crust of society. Then you notice that at the bottom of the invite there are two cryptic words: "Black Tie." Your first thought: "No problem. I have plenty of black ties." Our first thought: "Moron, that means that you have to wear a tux."

Relatively few people buy full-out tuxedo ensembles. They go out of style, your height or weight can change, and unless youre a professional party crasher, there arent many occasions where tuxedos will be required. But when those times do arise (the prom, a fancy party, the Oscars, your indictment, a James Bond look-alike contest . . .), youll be grateful that you came to us for tuxedo-renting advice.

1. ASSESS THE FUNCTION

First you should figure out what type of affair you are attending, because not all formal events are created equal. Most occasions will fit into one of the following categories, usually indicated on the invitation:

Black Tie Optional This type of event means that while it is appropriate to wear a tuxedo, there will be many men attending the event in suits and other semi-formal wear. For this type of event you can wear either a tux or a suit. But you've already gone to the trouble of logging on and finding us, so you might as well wear the tux. Tails or other ultra-formal wear are inappropriate for this type of event. Black Tie Invited The same as Black Tie Optional. Black Tie Preferred This event is similar to the one above, but in this case the host or hostess would prefer that you get penguined up for the occasion. While the host will not be offended if you opt to wear a suit, you will be in the minority. Black Tie No option. You either tux it, or you stay at home and watch the Saturday night Cops! marathon. To this type of affair, it is acceptable to wear more formal tuxedos (yes, they exist) including evening tails. Novelty ties, vests and cummerbunds should be avoided at all costs when choosing a tuxedo for a Black Tie event, so put that Garfield cummerbund back in with the mothballs. White Tie This is the mother of all formalwear occasions for men. To this affair, you should plan on wearing only the most elegant and classic styles of formal attire. You are expected to wear evening tails to an affair like this, and get ready for some kick-ass pt.

A prom or other type of formalwear event that does not specifically indicate what type of dress is appropriate can be included in the Black Tie Preferred category. No one will attack you for wearing a suit, but a tuxedo is certainly expected. Choose a conservative but not overly elegant style. (We bet "elegant" has never been used to describe your clothes before. Aww. Youre getting so grown up on us.)

One word of caution: when in doubt, choose conservative and traditionalwear over newer, trendier tuxedos. Imagine looking back over your prom photos years from now and seeing yourself in a Jim Carrey-esque Day-Glo orange tux and top hat. And it seemed like such a good idea at the time . . .

2. FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU'LL NEED TO RENT

You've decided on the degree of formal-ness, so youre ready to rent, right? Wrong. There are still decisions to be made regarding the following:

Jacket
Shirt
Pants
Vest or cummerbund
Shoes
Socks
Tie
Cufflinks

Jacket

You can choose anything from single-breasted one button to double breasted six button with tails. What to choose? Asking the advice of the salesman is never a bad idea. But since you probably have no idea what the above styles even look like, check out Tuxedosdirect.com, a site that shows diagrams of the various jacket styles. Remember that certain styles are inappropriate for particular events. Tails are reserved for the most formal occasions, while single-breasted suits can be worn at almost anytime.

Another thing to consider is which style best compliments your figure. Just like when a man buys a suit, a double-breasted jacket can compliment a tall mans figure, while shorter men should definitely opt for a single-breasted jacket.

Shirt

Tuxedo shirts have evolved over the years. Most styles (excluding the classic ruffled look) are acceptable for every occasion. But, for the love of God, please do not rent a band-collared shirt and wear it without a tie. You know . . . that priestly George-Clooney-at-the-Oscars look. Stay traditional. Here are some pictures of some different styles.

Pants

Sorry, but you do need to wear pants, pervo. Most tuxedo pants will match the tuxedo style you have selected, so theres not much room for decisions here. Many formal tuxedos include a classic racing stripe down the leg, so if you feel like you're playing second trombone in a marching band, dont worry it's supposed to look that way.

Vest or Cummerbund

Heres your chance to make a personal statement. To most affairs, it is acceptable to pair a tie with a cummerbund or vest. In case you are wondering, the cummerbund is that goofy looking oversized silk belt-looking thing that is worn just above the tuxedo pants. You can select the color and style of your choice in this area. If youre going to a prom, feel free to exercise a little creativity (youre young, so people wont hold bad taste against you).

It can be nice for a man to coordinate his tuxedo with the color of his date's dress. If you decide to do this, then ask her specifically what color she will be wearing. "Blue" is not sufficient, because there are approximately 4,639 variations of the color. You wear "sky," she wears "royal," and you will be the laughing stock of the party. Okay, maybe none of the men will notice, but their dates will. But if youre going to a formal event (e.g., the opening of a ballet), play it safe and stick to blacks and whites.

One common question about cummerbunds is: do the pleats face up or down? The answer: the pleats face UP, as if they were little pockets. If you make crumbs while you eat, the cummerbund pleats should be able to catch your slovenly mess. One last note: you can wear a vest or a cummerbund, but not both. That would be gauche (that's bad).

Shoes

Shoes worn with tuxedos are usually very simple, free of extensive decoration or design. Most are made of plain patent leather. (If you plan to wear a kilt to your formal affair, however, we advise against the patent leather.) The concept of renting shoes might seem, well, abhorrent to some. If youre concerned about foot hygiene (translation: you even own your own bowling shoes), purchasing your dress shoes might not be a bad idea. Any formalwear shop will be able to provide you with suggestions.

Socks

This is one accessory that is necessary and (thankfully) not rentable. Put away the tube socks with the red and blue stripes and invest in a simple black formal sock. Your socks should go unnoticed at a formal event; this is not an element of your attire with which you should experiment. Dont get fancy.

Tie

Ties rented from a shop are frequently basic, most being of the clip-on variety. Choosing a bow tie that actually ties can impress your date and just give you that extra 007 look. Don't know how to tie a bow tie? Fear not we can show you how to tie a bow tie, too.

Cufflinks

The final touch of your tuxedo ensemble is cufflinks. While most shops will provide you with a rental, you can make a dashing statement with a personalized pair of your own. But make sure theyre not too expensive. It's really easy to lose a cufflink.

More than likely, your salesman or attendant can assist you in matching the proper accessories with your outfit. Unless hes mean-spirited and gets a kick out of making people look like idiots.

3. FIGURE OUT WHEN TO SHOP

When renting a tux, it's always best to head to the shop as early as possible. While a few weeks is usually a sufficient amount of time, some events require more advance planning.

If youre renting a tuxedo for a prom, you should place your order at least one month in advance. Because prom season is so hectic, visiting a shop any later than that can result in a rather unique look (Read: a souped-up leisure suit that will send your date heading for the hills).

If youre renting a tuxedo for a wedding and youre going to be in the main lineup, you and the other party members should visit the store at least two to three months in advance. A wedding requires planning and coordination not required of other affairs. Also, because the tailor must alter several tuxedos at once, measurements will need to be taken of all of the groomsmen, some of which will be out of town. However, if youre simply going as a guest of the wedding, then stick to the reliable, conservative tuxedo styles we discussed above.

For all other events, arranging your rental about three weeks before the event should be plenty of time.

4. FIGURE OUT WHERE TO SHOP

Chain stores
Smaller boutiques

Every purchase you make should be thoroughly researched, and a tuxedo rental is no exception. Experts in the industry recommend that you rent only from a dealer that "makes you feel confident." A reliable outlet will give you the peace of mind that your order will be filled on time and that the alterations will be done properly.

A reliable tuxedo shop will guarantee that your order will be ready when you need it. To find such a vendor, you should begin your research early. Ask friends and relatives who have rented formalwear and had good experiences. Word of mouth is really the only way to find a company that you know will fit you in the proper monkey suit for any occasion. If youre feeling particularly risky, there are always Internet sites, including tuxedosonline.com and Tuxedo House, but we suggest that you find a real store.

Don't expect to go into a shop and spend $15. (What do think this is, cheapo? 1962?) The consensus among formalwear professionals is that you should expect to spend between $50 and $150, which is pretty steep considering you have to give the darn thing back two days later. For the simple black cookie cutter tux, you will pay the bare minimum. If, however, you decide to go with a designer look or an upgraded silhouette, you can expect to spend more. If you want to dress to impress, youre going to have to lay out some bucks.

There are two main types of tux shops: large chain stores and smaller boutiques.

Chain stores

These kinds of places offer a wide range of sizes and styles and are usually the most reasonably priced. Most tuxedo rentals will range between $50 and $100. Of course, you could always choose to spend $9.99 and get yourself one of those lame tuxedo T-shirts. But that would make you a loser. Large chains are inexpensive, quick and painless. They will usually have many basic styles and colors of ties and cummerbunds.

Smaller boutiques

Small boutiques offer a greater selection of designer looks and classic, elegant accessories. Attention is more personalized and the alterations may be slightly more precise. The cost is usually a little higher at these destinations, but for the debonair, money-is-no-object type of gentleman, boutiques are an ideal choice. Of course, if you were a debonair, money-is-no-object type of gentleman, youd own your own tuxedo already. Our verdict: go to a large chain store.

5. CONSIDER BUYING

Perhaps youre one of those practical people who thinks its absurd to spend $100 to rent a tux when you can have one to call your own for the price of about three or four rentals. You make a good point. But before you part with your cash, consider these factors:

  1. Think about how often you attend formal affairs. Your average red-blooded American male wears a tuxedo once a year, or maybe even less. In this case it might not be worth purchasing, considering the maintenance that is required. Moreover, when you buy a tuxedo, you must also purchase all of the accessories that accompany it.

  2. Consider that styles change. A tuxedo purchased today may be out of style in ten years. If you decide to purchase, make sure its a classic design that will stay in fashion for the longest possible amount of time. This means no cargo-pocket tuxedo pants for you, buddy.

  3. Consider that measurements change. How can we say this politely? Sometimes people go through periods of distress, and they tend to pack on a few pounds. Or sometimes chubbos actually get their asses in gear and shed the lard When your tux doesnt fit, you must acquit . . . err, alter. Which can be annoying.

  4. Remember that different tuxes are required for different occasions. As we discussed earlier, evening formal affairs require different attire than summer afternoon weddings. Purchasing a tuxedo might not save you much hassle at all. Be prepared to outfit yourself in several jackets and accessories to match different occasions that come up.

Were not members of the National Tuxedo-Renting Alliance or anything like that; we just wanted to point out that buying is often not the best choice for novices.

Formal wear for men is fairly simple. There's a reason for that: men are dumb. So if we successfully remove every single bit of necessary thought from the process, we feel we've done our job. Good luck on getting suited up, and be sure to send pictures, you handsome devil.