On the evening of my Christmas party, I saw so many things:

12 guests a-vomiting
11 cousins crying
10 bowls a-breaking
9 policemen a-warning us about the noise level
8 ladies dancing. Naked.
7 cups of eggnog a-spilling on my $8000 antique Oriental rug (dammit!)
6 hundred dollars a-spent on bottles of RC cola that no one drank
5 RECYCLLLLLED GIIIIIIIFTS!
4 calls to the ER
3 mental breakdowns
2 stray dogs
...and Keith Partridge on my now broken TV

In the past, you've gone to Christmas parties only to sing off-key Christmas carols and get drunk on eggnog. But this year, instead of doing these things in a corner by yourself, why not get some friends and family together and host the event? That way, you can subtly point out to all of your guests the many items that you need in your house that would coincidentally make great Christmas gifts. So whether you want to host an elaborate gala or a last-minute fiesta, this is the SYW for you.

1. START PLANNING IN EARLY DECEMBER

If possible, you should start planning your party early; this is because - as we're sure you've noticed - the month of December gets crazier and crazier as the days go by. So it's a good idea to take care of all the big things first (date, location, menu) and not worry about all the tiny details until a couple of days before the big soiree.

Here are some things you should get done within the first two weeks of December:

Make a guest list
Send out invitations
Plan a menu
Set a budget for food and decorations

Make a guest list

Invite only the number of people that you can handle. Remember that because of all the present shopping you'll be doing this month, you'll probably be on the verge of bankruptcy, so don't throw a shindig for 50 people if you can only afford to feed ten. Also take into account the size of your place and the fact that some of your guests will probably bring a friend or two without asking you. Finally, if you have to keep your guest list short, then cut out your work friends - you'll probably have a separate holiday party with them at the office/garage/zoo anyway.

Send out invitations

Once you've settled on who you're going to invite, it's time to invite them. Start inviting people as soon as possible because your guests will probably be busy with their own holiday chores and will need a lot of notice. Here are some rules on proper party-inviting so that you don't commit some egregious faux pas you didn't even know existed:

  1. Do all your inviting at once so that nobody feels like he/she was invited as an afterthought or a replacement for another guest who couldn't make it. Either send out written invitations on the same day or just pick up the phone (the method that we prefer). If all your guests are technologically inclined (read: computer dorks), send out e-mail invitations through sendomatic.com or evite.com. (But call anyone who doesn't respond within a week, just in case).

  2. Invite everybody yourself (as opposed to asking someone to pass the message along to others) so that everyone at the party feels comfortable showing up.

  3. If it's OK for your guests to bring dates or kids, indicate it on the invitations; otherwise ask your guests to alert you in advance about anybody they're bringing. In either case, you should ask your guest to RSVP with an exact number of tag-alongs. It's not unreasonable for you to know how many people to expect and prepare for.

  4. Give clues so that people will know how to dress and what to expect on the menu. Words like "causal" will indicate that jeans are OK, while words like "fancy-shmancy" will create a different set of expectations.

  5. Set the date of your party on any Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday, or Sunday before Christmas or on Christmas Eve. Most people spend time with their families on Christmas Day, and after the 25th, everyone will be concentrating on New Year's, so don't plan on throwing your party then.

Plan a menu

You can always make it a potluck party, you cheap bastard. If this is your choice, then keep the menu light with some Christmas treats and eggnog and supplement them with chips and soda, since it'll be cheapest and easiest to prepare. Just be sure to remind people to bring a big bowl of their favorite dish. But if you're the type who really enjoys feeding people, buy one of those monstrous six-foot heroes. By the way, we've included a whole step in this SYW on how to prepare some special holiday grub - for standard foods, you're on your own. Some suggestions: deli platters, vegetable platters (for the vegetarians), and anything that you know you can cook well and in huge portions. Or you can always call a caterer and not worry about it.

Set a budget for food and decorations

Figure out exactly much you need before heading to the store - this way you won't come away with 20 bags of miniature marshmallows and a battery-operated belly-dancing Santa. Here's the way to do it:

  1. Write down everything you definitely want to have and estimate a reasonable cost next to it. Include everything from chip dip to poinsettias.

  2. Always overprice when in doubt. If you think hot chocolate mix costs between $2.00 to $3.00 a box, mark it down as $3.00. This way, you won't be caught without enough money at the supermarket.

  3. After you've made up your list, total the cost of all your items, and add another 10% to the price. Don't forget the paper napkins, plasticware, and extra toilet paper.

  4. If the budget comes out to be way over what you expected to spend, critically revise your list. (Do you really need to personalize each guest's paper cup?)

  5. Expect to spend about $50 on food and drink alone-more if you're entertaining more than ten people, and a lot more if you're planning to have a party where people might get, shall we say, "sloshed" on the eggnog.

  6. Once you're at the supermarket, don't buy anything that's not on the list, unless it's something important that you forgot. Impulse buys are the bane of a good budget.

2. DECORATE YOUR HOUSE FOR THE EVENT

Here are some suggestions for decorating for your Christmas party without resorting to plastic lawn elves.

Christmas tree

Nothing says Christmas like a six-foot pine chopped down and erected in your living room for your holiday enjoyment. If you choose to buy a real tree and not a plastic one, here are some tips on how to keep it fresh for you party:

  1. Cut off an inch from the bottom of the tree trunk so that it will absorb water better. Then place it in a tree stand that holds at least one gallon of water, and water the tree every day.

  2. Before any tree-trimming takes place, spray the tree with an antitranspirant, which will prevent the needles from losing water. You can also prevent the tree needles from browning by keeping decorative strings of lights off during the daytime - the heat from the light dries out the needles.

  3. Keep the tree away from the fireplace, furnaces, heating vents, and candles. An inflamed tree is not a fresh tree.

Decide on whether you want to decorate the tree before your party, or if you want to make tree-trimming a party activity. Either way, get out your box of ornaments and supplement it with such cheap additions as candy canes, bows, and popcorn or construction paper chains.

You might also want to decorate your tree with miniature stockings that have your guests' names written on them. Just stuff the stockings with candy that you can buy in bulk, and give them to your guests as party favors.

One last suggestion: ask everyone to bring one hugely tacky ornament, and have a contest to see who brings the worst one. You'll start a tradition and cover your tree all at once!

Lights

Christmas lights are a great way to decorate your house. Buy a couple of sets and string them along the walls. Turn off the room lights to create a cozy atmosphere. If you want to decorate your house with candles, attach them to the inside of clear jars with a few drops of wax. This way if they get accidentally knocked over, they won't set your place on fire. Lest we were unclear, we will repeat: KEEP CANDLES IN JARS, ATTACH THEM TO THE BOTTOM OF THE JARS, AND DON'T GO CANDLE CRAZY OR YOUR HOUSE WILL BURN DOWN. Subtle enough for you?…

Other decorations

  • Poinsettias and wreaths are relatively cheap and make beautiful and festive decorations.

  • Tack up some mistletoe at each doorway and enforce that your guests follow the kissing-under-the-mistletoe rule. (We're big fans of embarrassment.) This will also provide a great opportunity to plant wet ones on all the finer-looking guests.

  • A lot of candy companies sell their products wrapped in Christmas colors this time of year. Buy a few bags of the stuff, pour them into large bowls, and you get edible Christmas decorations-the best kind.

3. PREPARE SOME TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS TREATS

Here are recipes for some tasty treats to prepare for your party. And they're all traditional (people love traditional).

Gingerbread men/women
Eggnog
Roasted chestnuts

Gingerbread men/women

These cookies necessitate a three-hour chilling period, so don't decide to make them at the last minute.

Ingredients:

  • 5 cups all-purpose flour
  • 1 tsp. ground cinnamon
  • 2 tsp. baking powder
  • 1½ tsp. ground ginger
  • 1½ tsp. ground cloves
  • 1 tsp. baking soda
  • 1 tsp. ground nutmeg
  • 1 tsp. salt
  • 2 sticks unsalted butter
  • 1 cup sugar
  • 2 eggs
  • 1 cup molasses
  • 2 tbsp. water

You'll also need:

  • People-shaped cookie cutters
  • Rolling pin
  • Icing pens (to draw their little faces)

Directions:

  1. In a large bowl, mix the butter and sugar until it forms a creamy consistency.

  2. Add the molasses, eggs, and water, then continue mixing.

  3. In a separate bowl, mix together the salt, cinnamon, baking powder, ginger, cloves, baking soda, nutmeg, and salt.

  4. Dump this dry mixture into the wet one and mix.

  5. Chill the mixture for at least 3 hours in the refrigerator.

  6. Roll the dough out into a flat disk over a floured surface and use the cookie cutters to cut out shapes.

  7. Place the cookies an inch apart on a cookie sheet and bake for five minutes at 375° F.

  8. Decorate the cookies after they've been cooled with fine-tipped icing pens.

Eggnog

We have thoughtfully included directions on how to make alcoholic and non-alcoholic eggnog. You're welcome! (This recipe makes enough for eight small servings.)

Ingredients:

  • 6 egg yolks
  • ½ cup half and half
  • ½ tsp. nutmeg
  • ¾ cup sugar
  • 1 tsp. vanilla extract
  • 2 cups whole milk

for alcoholic eggnog add:

  • 1/3 cup bourbon
  • 1/3 cup rum

for non-alcoholic eggnog add:

  • An extra ½ cup half and half
  • 1 tsp. rum extract or ½ tsp. orange extract

Directions:

  1. Beat the egg yolks, nutmeg, and vanilla in a bowl.

  2. Heat the milk in a saucepan over low heat until it starts to steam. Ladle one scoop of the milk into the egg mixture bowl, then turn the heat off and slowly pour the egg/milk mixture into the saucepan, stirring the mixture in the pot as you pour.

  3. Set the heat on low and continuously stir the mixture as it cooks, being careful to keep the bottom from burning.

  4. Cook for 20 minutes, or until the consistency of the mixture is thick and doesn't run.

  5. When the mixture ready, pour it into a heat-safe bowl and add all the remaining ingredients.

  6. Chill the concoction thoroughly before serving.

  7. Sprinkle some nutmeg on top of each cup for decoration.

Roasted chestnuts

You can roast chestnuts the traditional way (over a fire), or the 21st century way (in the oven). Here's how:

  1. Thoroughly clean the dirt off of chestnuts with paper towels.

  2. Cut an X into the shell of each chestnut with a thin, sharp knife.

  3. If you're using an open fire, place chestnuts in a large pan with the X-ed sides up and cover it, then roast them over the fire for 15 to 25 minutes, or until the shells begin to open.

  4. If you're using an oven, preheat it to 425° F, arrange the chestnuts on a baking sheet with the X-ed sides up, and bake for 15 to 25 minutes, or until the shells begin to open.

  5. Let the chestnuts cool a little, peel the shells back, and eat. Try adding a bit of salt for extra flavor.

4. HAVE YOUR GUESTS PARTICIPATE IN CHRISTMAS ACTIVITIES

Sure you can let your guests just chat and eat, but this is a Christmas party, so we demand that you do some Christmas-y things. Here are some suggestions:

Trim the tree
Go Christmas caroling
Make cookies
Exchange gifts

Trim the tree

We already touched upon this earlier, but we'd like to reiterate that this is the perfect dorky activity for a Christmas party (especially after everyone has already had a few drinks). Purposely leave your tree naked, and invite your guests to dress it up for you. Lay out your collection of ornaments and lights, as well as art materials like construction paper, glue, glitter, cardboard, magic markers, yarn, cotton balls, and popcorn. It'll be a fun group activity and everyone can take pride in the finished product. Even if it comes out hideously, it'll be funny. And you can always re-trim it after the party is over!

Go Christmas caroling

Here's a site with the lyrics of popular Christmas carols. Print out copies of your favorites, hand them out to your guests, and go caroling around the block. Here are some extra tips on caroling:

  • Inform your guests of your intentions to lead them on a caroling expedition, so they'll know to bring gloves, hats, and scarves.

  • If you go caroling at night, bring along a couple of flashlights, in case it gets too dark for your group to read the song sheets.

  • Ring your neighbors' doorbell and wait one minute before moving on. If your neighbors don't appreciate your musical stylings, don't push it.

  • Buy some drinks that you can heat up, like hot chocolate or cider, and prepare it for the carolers when they get back to warm them up.

Make cookies

Instead of having the gingerbread men already made for your guests, gather the ingredients and get your guests to make the cookies themselves. Baking is another great group activity. You can have your guests bake several kinds at once - just make sure you've got enough materials. Here are tons of cookie recipes.

Exchange gifts

  • Secret Santa style. If you've invited a small group and your guests all basically know each other, ask them if they'll agree to a Secret Santa gift exchange. If everyone is game, arrange for it to happen. Here's how:

    1. Throw everyone's names into a hat and draw "Secret Santas" for everyone at least two weeks before the party. (Or you, as host, can stay out of it and assign everyone a Secret Santa via e-mail.)

    2. Inform each guest that they are the Secret Santa for someone else and must buy a present for him/her. Set up a spending limit of $10 to $15 (or some other range with a discrepancy of $5).

    3. Ask your guests to wrap the presents, label them appropriately, and stick them under the Christmas tree upon arrival. Then designate a segment of your party to opening up each others' gifts.

  • Grab bag style. Make sure that everyone is willing to participate in a grab bag before you decide to hold one at your party. Then limit everyone's spending to $10 to $15. On the day of the party, get a large garbage bag and have your guests throw their (wrapped) gifts into it. Designate a segment of your party to randomly picking out gifts and opening them. To be particularly fun, institute a rule of no gift certificates, lottery tickets, or anything else that could be construed as a cop-out.

    So that's it! Throw a great party and save us some food…but no fruitcake, please. We already have 8 of them.