Thank you, Mr. Gutenberg. No, not Steve Guttenberg (though we're grateful for him too), we're talking about Johann Gutenberg. Because of his little invention called the "printing press," he brought literacy to the masses and enabled people to read quality literature such as Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. So proud are we of the Gutenberg press, that we've compiled a list of the top-selling books of all time. But only the English-language books, because we're blatantly xenophobic.

Keep in mind that these figures are difficult to confirm and are often based on the aggregate sales of an annual edition. There is no single work of Shakespeare here, for instance, because it's impossible to verify any play that might have sold over 28 million copies on its own. But looking at the rest of this list, it doesn't seem like he had much of a chance . . .

1. BOOKS 10 - 8

10. In His Steps: "What Would Jesus Do?"

Author: Rev. Charles Monroe Sheldon
Copies sold: 28,500,000

The compilation of two original novels about living a "deeper discipleship," this book about Christianity has been on the shelves for years (over 100, to be exact). It makes frequent reference to a book you'll see later (much later) on our list, and how to better interpret it and so forth. The questions, "What would Jesus do about global warming?" and, "What would Jesus do about those Mentos ads?" are not covered in the book, but just ask yourself . . . what would He do?

9. Valley of the Dolls

Author: Jacqueline Susann
Copies sold: 30,000,000

When it debuted in 1966, this novel shocked (and titillated) audiences with its depictions of sex, drugs, and go-go culture, but would now probably be considered quaint, or at least tame. Susann knew whereof she wrote, having lived the life of a Broadway starlet and hobnobbing with the famous. The three characters in the book are rumored to be based on Judy Garland, Ethel Merman, and Marilyn Monroe at an early point in their careers. Yes, it's trashy, but like junk food, oh, so delicious.

8. The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care

Author: Dr. Benjamin Spock
Copies sold: 39,200,000

How many copies of this book have been sold to erstwhile Trekkers, wandering the aisles at Barnes and Noble with slightly glazed looks in their eyes, mumbling Klingon phonics under their breaths? Let us be clear. This is not a book about Vulcans, Vulcan culture, Vulcan language, or Vulcan babies. Well, maybe the Vulcan babies part applies. Dr. Spock's "instruction manual" for child care has been flying off shelves since 1946, giving parents useful advice such as what milestones infants should reach at which ages, how to discipline an obnoxious child, and why dirty diapers smell so bad.